The Megalodon Party

🦈 THE MEGALODON PARTY

Too Big to Ignore. Too Old to Cancel. Too Angry to Stop.

Welcome to the official home of the Megalodon Party, Maryland’s newest (and most aggressively aquatic) political movement. We are not left. We are not right. We are apex.

Born from prehistoric instinct and modern media combat, the Megalodon Party exists for voters who are tired of nibbling politics, incrementalism, and leaders who circle endlessly without ever striking.

We believe in size.
We believe in pressure.
We believe in biting when the camera turns on.

🌊 OUR ORIGIN STORY

The Megalodon Party emerged after Maryland lawmakers seriously proposed naming the megalodon the official state shark — a symbolic act that accidentally revealed a deeper truth:

Maryland politics already behaves like an apex predator ecosystem.

Backroom dominance. Media thrashing. Committee waters stained red with amendments.

We didn’t invent it.
We just branded it.

🦷 CORE PRINCIPLES

1. Apex Governance

Government should be large, confident, and unapologetic. If a program cannot be defended loudly on cable news, it should not exist.

Consensus is fine — but dominance is better.

2. No More Minnow Politics

The Megalodon Party rejects incrementalism, pilot programs, and “working groups.”

We prefer:

  • Sweeping legislation
  • Expansive authority
  • Explanations delivered after passage

3. Media Is the Ocean

Politics doesn’t happen in committee rooms anymore. It happens under studio lights.

Our candidates must:

  • Sense weakness in an interviewer
  • Apply rhetorical pressure
  • Thrash until the segment ends

Sound bites matter. Teeth matter more.

🎥 MEDIA READINESS STANDARD

All Megalodon Party candidates are evaluated on the Predatory Performance Index (PPI):

✔ Jaw tension under pressure
✔ Voice escalation at minute 2
✔ Willingness to interrupt politely, then aggressively
✔ Ability to make hosts visibly uncomfortable

If you’ve never been accused of being “too angry” on camera, you are not ready.

🧬 THE VAN HOLLEN STANDARD

The Megalodon Party does not officially endorse individuals — but we do acknowledge archetypes.

Internally, recruiters often reference “The Van Hollen Standard”:

  • Sudden tonal shift when challenged
  • Finger-pointing that escalates mid-sentence
  • Visible thrashing when the camera zooms in
  • A bite-first, clarify-later posture

We admire the form.
We study the technique.
We recruit the energy.

🌎 POLICY POSITIONS (SERIOUSLY FRAMED)

Foreign Policy

Predatory deterrence. Clear red lines. No circling endlessly while issuing statements of concern.

Domestic Policy

Big programs defended aggressively. If attacked, double down. If criticized, accuse critics of swimming too close.

Climate & Environment

We acknowledge climate change.
We also acknowledge the planet has survived worse.

Adaptation > panic.
Studies > speeches.
Sea-level rise will be addressed via renaming flooded areas.

🏛️ STRUCTURE

  • Chair: Rotates every news cycle
  • Whip: Loudest person in the room
  • Platform Committee: Fossilized, unchanging
  • Ethics Officer: Symbolic, extinct

🛍️ MERCH COMING SOON

Planned items include:

  • “APEX” hats
  • “Too Big to Ignore” yard signs
  • “Eat the Whales, Not the Middle Class” bumper stickers
  • Limited-edition Predatory Posture Training Manuals

📣 FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Is this a real party?
As real as most political branding.

Are you serious?
About media power, yes. About everything else — selectively.

Will you run candidates?
Only where cameras are present.

Is this satire?
We prefer the term evolutionary commentary.

🦈 FINAL WORD

The Megalodon Party does not promise unity.
It promises dominance.

We do not nibble.
We do not apologize.
We do not survive by consensus.

We survived by being bigger.

Welcome to the apex.