Military satire from someone who served… emotionally.
Welcome to Secondhand Service, the military satire subpage where the wars are real, the bureaucracy is eternal, and the perspective comes from growing up close enough to smell the JP-8—but never close enough to get hazard pay.
This is satire written by a BRAT: Born, Raised, And Transferred.
We didn’t enlist. We didn’t deploy.
But we lived on base, packed our lives into cardboard boxes every few years, learned rank before algebra, and discovered early that the Department of Defense does not observe most holidays—especially the ones that matter.
Governor Awarded Bronze Star for Valor in the Battle of Light Snowfall
Maryland Governor Wes Moore may receive a Bronze Star for his performance during a recent snowstorm, dubbed “The Battle of Slightly Icy Roads.” His video updates, viewed by 78 people, were deemed an act of heroism. Critics questioned the absence of snowplows, attributing it to strategic morale-building rather than oversight.
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Trump Deploys Aircraft Carrier to Lake Superior, America Immediately Googles “Can This Even Fit?”
President Trump announced the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower’s deployment to Lake Superior to quell unrest, despite concerns over its fit in the Great Lakes. Local officials criticized the move as reckless, while it excited some residents and tourism boards. The operation serves as a dramatic show of U.S. naval power amidst rising tensions.
Operation Glazed Response: Tim Walz Replaces Law Enforcement With Pastry Diplomacy
Tim Walz, the governor of Minnesota, has faced criticism for deploying the National Guard to distribute donuts instead of restoring order during civil unrest. This response has been mocked as a shift from serious governance to a whimsical approach, where crime management is replaced by distributing snacks, raising concerns about effective leadership and public safety.
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Putin Deploys Hologram Army After Running Out of Actual Russians
Facing a shortage of actual Russians willing or able to fight, Vladimir Putin has reportedly deployed a cutting-edge solution: hologram soldiers. The glowing, casualty-proof army looks great on state TV, never defects, and conveniently disappears when drones fly through it—marking a bold new era of virtual warfare and imaginary victories.
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Pentagon Announces New “Ask Nicely First” Rules of Engagement for Drug Boats
Under new Pentagon rules, U.S. forces confronting drug boats must now politely ask the captain for permission before taking action—because nothing says national security like waiting for consent from a cocaine speedboat.
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Democrats Furious After Trump Drone-Strikes Biden’s Toy Boat at Delaware Beach
Democratic leaders condemned Donald Trump after a U.S. drone mistakenly destroyed Joe Biden’s toy boat on a Delaware beach, which Trump justified as a narcotics threat. Despite bipartisan outrage over the strike’s recklessness, Trump remained unapologetic, claiming it demonstrated military precision. Biden was unharmed but shaken, and the White House has not addressed potential replacements.
Continue reading Democrats Furious After Trump Drone-Strikes Biden’s Toy Boat at Delaware Beach
“Sorry, ISIS, It’s a Holiday”
Members of the U.S. military were reportedly outraged this Christmas after learning that global terrorism does not respect federal holidays, forcing them to wake up early, miss stockings, and blow up ISIS targets in Nigeria—without overtime pay.
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