Category: Satire

Law Enforcement, New York, Politics, Satire, State & Local

Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani Names FDNY Commissioner With Zero Firefighting Experience, Says ‘Lived Experience With Alarm Clocks Is Enough’

Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani promised to rethink public safety, and New York got exactly that—by naming an FDNY commissioner whose strongest qualification appears to be strong opinions and zero firefighting experience. Critics say it’s reckless. Supporters say it’s “historic.” Fires, meanwhile, remain unconvinced. Continue reading Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani Names FDNY Commissioner With Zero Firefighting Experience, Says ‘Lived Experience With Alarm Clocks Is Enough’

Unknown's avatarMichael PhillipsLeave a comment
Satire, Sports & Whatever

“After a Lot of Prayer”: Inside the Transfer Portal Church of Getting the Bag

College football has transformed, with players increasingly entering the transfer portal driven by financial incentives rather than loyalty or commitment. Traditional values have diminished, as transfers are likened to subscription upgrades. Players, often citing divine guidance, prioritize lucrative NIL deals, reflecting a shift towards a free-agency mentality in the sport. Continue reading “After a Lot of Prayer”: Inside the Transfer Portal Church of Getting the Bag

Unknown's avatarMichael PhillipsLeave a comment
Maryland, Politics, Satire, State & Local

Breaking: Wes Moore Announces Bold Redistricting Plan to Escape HOA Dues

Maryland Governor Wes Moore introduced a controversial redistricting proposal aimed at addressing homeowner association fees, claiming it promotes equity and representation. Critics argue it’s gerrymandering for personal gain, while supporters see it as innovative governance. The plan may redefine district lines to eliminate certain HOA fees for Moore’s neighborhood, sparking debate. Continue reading Breaking: Wes Moore Announces Bold Redistricting Plan to Escape HOA Dues

Unknown's avatarMichael PhillipsLeave a comment
Cultural Meltdowns, Politics, Satire

Breaking: Kamala Harris Allegedly Declares Herself the Great Cornholio, Demands TP on Brentwood Road

Former Vice President Kamala Harris had a chaotic moment during her book tour, reportedly yelling “I am THE GREAT CORNHOLIO” while wearing a Metallica T-shirt. Eyewitnesses noted an apparent breakdown after she mixed something extra into her wine. The incident sparked mixed reactions among political analysts regarding its impact on her image and upcoming events. Continue reading Breaking: Kamala Harris Allegedly Declares Herself the Great Cornholio, Demands TP on Brentwood Road

Unknown's avatarMichael PhillipsLeave a comment
Holidays, Satire

The Bone Wasn’t Organic Enough

The story portrays a discerning dog presented with an extravagant bone during Christmas. However, he rejects it, having developed high standards influenced by modern values on ethical sourcing and sustainability. Disappointed by the lack of transparency in the treat, he emphasizes the importance of meaningful choices and aligns his principles with his diet. Continue reading The Bone Wasn’t Organic Enough

Unknown's avatarMichael PhillipsLeave a comment
Congress & Power, Politics, Satire, Washington absurdity

A Very Minority Christmas: Inside the Holiday Misery of Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries

Christmas in Washington is supposed to be festive—but for Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries, it’s a reminder of life in the minority: no gavels, no subpoenas, and no leverage. Just empty hallways, hollow decorations, and strongly worded statements echoing into the cold. Continue reading A Very Minority Christmas: Inside the Holiday Misery of Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries

Unknown's avatarMichael PhillipsLeave a comment
Global News, Holidays, Law Enforcement, Satire

Authorities Urge Public to Stop Shooting at Santa Claus During Holiday Deliveries

Local law enforcement are once again pleading with the public to stop firing at Santa Claus as he attempts to deliver presents in America’s most crime-ridden cities. Officials confirm Santa is not a threat, not a suspect, and not responsible for the broader breakdown of public order—he’s just trying to save Christmas. Continue reading Authorities Urge Public to Stop Shooting at Santa Claus During Holiday Deliveries

Unknown's avatarMichael PhillipsLeave a comment
Health & Medical, Politics, S.H.I.T.E. Paper, Satire

A Peer-Reviewed* Investigation Into Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS), Macronutrient Intake, and the Bubble Tea Variable

A groundbreaking* study published in the Journal of Scientific Hypotheses In Theoretical Environments (S.H.I.T.E.) finds a strong correlation between extreme Trump Derangement Syndrome and diets low in meat protein but high in soy products and bubble tea—raising serious questions about tofu, tapioca pearls, and the biochemical limits of political calm.
*Groundbreaking in the sense that someone finally said it out loud. Continue reading A Peer-Reviewed* Investigation Into Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS), Macronutrient Intake, and the Bubble Tea Variable

Unknown's avatarMichael PhillipsLeave a comment
Habeas Circus, Satire

Public Defender Accused of “Doing Their Job,” Triggering Crisis Across Los Angeles Legal System

A Los Angeles public defender faces accusations for allegedly performing their duties by filing motions and challenging evidence without prior approvals. This behavior has unsettled court officials, leading to emergency trainings to combat “over-lawyering.” The defender maintains innocence, raising concerns about the future of representation in a system prioritizing efficiency over justice. Continue reading Public Defender Accused of “Doing Their Job,” Triggering Crisis Across Los Angeles Legal System

Unknown's avatarMichael PhillipsLeave a comment
Holidays, Satire, Washington absurdity

Congress Declares Christmas Recess to Investigate Whether Christmas Is Still Allowed

Congress is holding a special Christmas Recess to investigate the constitutional status of Christmas, citing its growing complexity and controversy. While Santa Claus testifies on issues like the Naughty List, bipartisan concern for holiday oversight has emerged. A $47 billion fund is proposed for emissions standards, but the inquiry is expected to extend until Easter. Continue reading Congress Declares Christmas Recess to Investigate Whether Christmas Is Still Allowed

Unknown's avatarMichael PhillipsLeave a comment