EXCLUSIVE: Trone’s ICE Protest Attendance Upgraded to Phase II Invisibility — Now Featuring 5G Hologram Cena Units

David Trone’s campaign responds to criticism about staff absence at an ICE protest, claiming they operated in “Cena Mode” using John Cena-inspired clones for invisibility. This satire suggests innovative tactics like “Quantum Protest Presence” and highlights mixed public reactions, with supporters praising efficiency while skeptics question legitimacy. Continue reading EXCLUSIVE: Trone’s ICE Protest Attendance Upgraded to Phase II Invisibility — Now Featuring 5G Hologram Cena Units

Creed Announces They Will Be the 2027 Super Bowl Halftime Show, NFL Learns About It on Social Media

Creed boldly announced they will perform at the 2027 Super Bowl halftime show, despite the NFL not selecting a performer. The announcement sparked widespread joy in rural America, with fans expressing emotional support. The NFL is still processing the surprise declaration, sensing its inevitability, as Creed outlines an already planned setlist. Continue reading Creed Announces They Will Be the 2027 Super Bowl Halftime Show, NFL Learns About It on Social Media

Warren Buffett, 95, Steps Down From Berkshire Hathaway: “Finally Old Enough for Congress”

Warren Buffett, at 95, has announced his retirement as CEO of Berkshire Hathaway, expressing a newfound ambition to join Congress, believing he is now seasoned enough. He humorously linked his age to a fitting perspective for governance. His transition plan for the company is clear, while political analysts remain cautiously optimistic about his potential impact. Continue reading Warren Buffett, 95, Steps Down From Berkshire Hathaway: “Finally Old Enough for Congress”

Dilbert Finally Escapes the Cubicle: A Tribute to Scott Adams

Scott Adams revolutionized the depiction of corporate life through his comic Dilbert, highlighting the absurdities of middle management and workplace dynamics long before it was mainstream. His work resonated as a candid reflection of office realities, granting audiences permission to critique dysfunction with humor. With his passing, Adams leaves a legacy that endures. Continue reading Dilbert Finally Escapes the Cubicle: A Tribute to Scott Adams

Bob Weir Seen Jamming with Cosmic Dead & Company in the Great Beyond — Earth Soundcheck Running Three Days Late

Bob Weir was sighted in the Eternal Jam Space, engaging in a vibrant jam session with legendary figures like Jerry Garcia and an enthusiastic squirrel. Eyewitnesses described the scene as serene, noting Bob’s commitment to perfecting the tempo. Fans celebrated this cosmic performance, feeling that his music transcends earthly farewells. Continue reading Bob Weir Seen Jamming with Cosmic Dead & Company in the Great Beyond — Earth Soundcheck Running Three Days Late

BREAKING: Lamar Jackson Accused of Extreme Gamer Fatigue, Possibly From Playing Madden on Rookie Mode

Lamar Jackson faces speculation about his fit with the Ravens, fueled by a column from Mike Preston claiming coach John Harbaugh is frustrated with him. Allegations include late-night gaming and napping in meetings, despite Jackson denying these claims. Harbaugh supports Jackson, leaving the team’s future uncertain amidst media scrutiny. Continue reading BREAKING: Lamar Jackson Accused of Extreme Gamer Fatigue, Possibly From Playing Madden on Rookie Mode

Alabama Booted from SEC After Indiana Beatdown Prompts Emergency Statue, Nick Saban Evacuation

The Alabama Crimson Tide has been removed from the Southeastern Conference following a humiliating loss to the Indiana Hoosiers in the Rose Bowl. This unexpected defeat led to Indiana’s immediate celebration, including plans for a statue of their coach. Meanwhile, Alabama fans attempted to downplay the loss amid significant implications for the team. Continue reading Alabama Booted from SEC After Indiana Beatdown Prompts Emergency Statue, Nick Saban Evacuation

The Capital One Bank Guy Really Does Sleep at a Branch—Just Not for the Reasons You Think

Jeremy Brandt, known as the Capital One Bank Guy, has taken his branding to an extreme by sleeping in bank branches nationwide after being asked to leave home for legally changing his name. Struggling with estrangement and homelessness, he clings to hope that his unconventional approach will reunite him with his family. Continue reading The Capital One Bank Guy Really Does Sleep at a Branch—Just Not for the Reasons You Think

Is Tom Cruise the Greatest Guy on Earth?

Tom Cruise radiates charisma on The Pat McAfee Show, discussing his passion for filmmaking and life’s lessons. He emphasizes training and hard work, urging others to pursue their dreams. Beyond cinematic stunts, he embodies a vibrant presence in an era of mediocrity. At 60, he remains dedicated to crafting compelling experiences. Continue reading Is Tom Cruise the Greatest Guy on Earth?