ANNAPOLIS, MD — In what officials are calling a “historic step toward climate accountability,” the city government of Annapolis has reportedly issued a $1,250 municipal fine to Snow for “blocking designated non-motorized transportation corridors.”
The citation, filed Tuesday morning, accuses Snow of “willful obstruction of bike lanes, sidewalks, and several extremely symbolic curb extensions.”
According to a spokesperson for the Department of Equity in Seasonal Precipitation, the city had “no choice but to hold Snow accountable.”
“We’ve warned Snow before,” the spokesperson said, gesturing toward a laminated “Know Your Rights” pamphlet for frozen water. “We cannot allow repeat offenders to endanger our cycling community just because they fall from the sky.”
Snow Denies Allegations
Snow, which declined to comment directly, has historically refused to appear at hearings due to what experts describe as “melting under pressure.”
However, sources close to the precipitation community say Snow plans to argue that:
- It was “invited” by atmospheric conditions.
- It did not receive proper notice of Annapolis bike lane ordinances.
- Plows pushed it there without consent.
- It identifies as “naturally occurring infrastructure.”
City officials were unmoved.
“Intent doesn’t matter,” said one councilmember. “Impact does.”
Plows Cleared Streets. Bikes? Not So Much.
Residents noted that while major roads were cleared within hours, bike lanes appeared to have been repurposed as municipal snow storage facilities.
One cyclist described attempting to ride downtown as “like navigating a Dairy Queen Blizzard with a helmet.”
“It’s impressive,” he added. “The cars are dry. The bike lanes look like a ski resort.”
City Hall defended the disparity.
“Our snow removal strategy prioritizes equity,” said an official. “We evenly distribute inconvenience across all non-car-based lifestyles.”
When pressed on why snowbanks appear to be placed precisely where bike lanes begin, the official explained this was “an unfortunate coincidence of physics.”
New Enforcement Division Created
To prevent future infractions, Annapolis is reportedly launching a new Seasonal Accountability Task Force (SATF), which will:
- Install QR codes in snowbanks so they can self-report.
- Issue warning letters to clouds.
- Deploy “Bike Lane Marshals” equipped with hair dryers.
- Require all future snowfall to submit a mitigation plan.
The mayor has also proposed installing heated bike lanes powered by “aspirational sustainability.”
Funding will come from a new “Atmospheric Compliance Fee” on residents’ utility bills.
Activists Applaud Move
Local advocacy group Freeze the Freeze praised the fine.
“For too long, Snow has acted with impunity,” said a spokesperson while brushing ice off their boots. “This sends a message that Annapolis will not tolerate meteorological privilege.”
Meanwhile, critics argue the city could simply plow the bike lanes.
City leadership dismissed that suggestion as “reactionary and car-centric.”
“We don’t negotiate with weather,” one official said. “We invoice it.”
Snow’s Next Court Date
Snow is scheduled to appear at a municipal hearing next week, weather permitting.
If found guilty, it could face:
- Mandatory melting
- Community service as potable water
- Enrollment in a diversity, equity, and inclusion seminar
Until then, Annapolis residents are advised to remain cautious, especially those attempting to use infrastructure designed for transportation but functioning as decorative snow sculptures.
In a closing statement, the city made its position clear:
“Bike lanes are sacred. Snow will comply.”
Meteorologists predict Snow is unlikely to pay the fine. It reportedly plans to appeal by April.
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