A Layered Address to a Nation That Definitely Asked for This
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring that democracy is both “on the brink” and “thriving as long as we’re in charge,” Democrats this week unveiled the People’s State of the Onion, a fully produced, donor-funded, influencer-hosted alternative to the actual State of the Union.
The event, sponsored by MoveOn, MeidasTouch, and the nation’s largest collection of perpetual outrage email lists, promises to “speak truth to power” by shouting into a professionally lit studio while power currently sits across the street.
“We felt it was important to restore decency,” said one organizer, moments before rolling out a multi-camera broadcast designed to undermine the legitimacy of the sitting President. “Also vibes.”
A State of the Union, But Make It Feelings-Based
Unlike the traditional State of the Union — which relies heavily on facts, numbers, and awkward clapping — the People’s State of the Onion focuses on emotionally curated democracy, featuring:
- Carefully selected applause lines
- Words like existential, dangerous, and unprecedented used interchangeably
- And a strong emphasis on how losing elections is actually a sign of moral victory
“We’re not rejecting the results of the election,” clarified one Democratic lawmaker. “We’re just rejecting the outcome, the legitimacy, the President, and the concept of moving on.”
Parallel Events Are Bad — Unless We’re Doing Them
Just weeks ago, Democrats warned that hosting parallel political events could erode democratic norms, confuse the public, and threaten institutional stability.
This week, they announced their own parallel State of the Union.
When asked about the apparent contradiction, a spokesperson explained, “This is different because we’re the People. Also, branding.”
Hosted by Democracy (and Also Katie Phang)
The Onion address will be hosted by cable news personalities who have bravely spent the last eight years explaining that democracy is fragile — but only during Republican administrations.
“Tonight is about defending democratic freedom,” said one host, standing beneath a massive graphic declaring THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN in a font that absolutely screamed focus-grouped.
Independent Voters Report Mild Confusion, Onion-Related Eye Strain
Independent voters watching the announcement reportedly experienced symptoms including:
- Confusion
- Fatigue
- And the sudden realization that no one involved appears interested in governing
“I thought elections settled things,” said one voter. “Apparently they just unlock DLC content now.”
Experts Agree: Democracy Is Extremely Delicate, Except When It Isn’t
Several anonymous democracy experts — speaking on condition of anonymity because democracy itself is very shy — praised the People’s State of the Onion as “a necessary response to electoral disappointment.”
“Democracy is incredibly fragile,” said one expert, adjusting a scarf and gesturing vaguely at a chart. “That’s why it must be protected through parallel broadcasts, alternative realities, and emotionally supportive lighting.”
Another expert warned that accepting election results too calmly could set a dangerous precedent.
“If voters start believing elections actually determine leadership, the whole system collapses,” the expert explained. “What we need is constant vigilance, preferably televised.”
A third expert, who described themselves as a “Senior Fellow in Norm Erosion Studies,” clarified the distinction between legitimate civic engagement and unacceptable parallel events.
“When conservatives do it, it undermines democracy,” the expert said. “When we do it, it is democracy. This is a very technical difference.”
The Onion Has Many Layers, Experts Confirm
Experts further noted that the People’s State of the Onion was aptly named.
“Like an onion, democracy has layers,” said one anonymous analyst. “If you peel back enough of them, you’ll eventually cry — which is actually the point.”
At press time, democracy was reported to be “holding on,” “deeply concerned,” and “requesting another panel discussion.”
Final Layer
At press time, organizers confirmed plans for next year’s sequel:
- The People’s Emergency of the Union
- Followed by The People’s Emergency Emergency
- And finally, The People’s State of the Vibes
Democracy, officials assured the public, will remain intact — as long as no one expects Democrats to accept losing quietly.
Keep Political Party Animals Free
Political Party Animals exists to laugh at politics so we don’t cry about it. Satire, parody, and absurdity are how we call out hypocrisy, nonsense, and the occasional clown show in public life.
If this piece made you laugh, groan, or say “yep, that tracks,” reader support helps keep the satire sharp and independent.
Political Party Animals 