ANNAPOLIS, Md. — A raccoon has tested positive for rabies in Annapolis.
Unfortunately, wildlife officials are still trying to determine which one.
The confirmed animal case made headlines after residents reported a creature roaming aggressively, showing disorientation, erratic movement, and noticeable foaming at the mouth.
At nearly the same moment, Hakeem Jeffries arrived in town to advocate for redistricting plans that critics say would finish the long, slow extinction of the Maryland GOP.
Coincidence?
Sure. And raccoons just naturally love midterm election cycles.
Symptoms Observed
According to health authorities, rabid raccoons often display:
- Heightened aggression
- Unprovoked lunging
- Foam around the mouth
- A tendency to attack anything resembling opposition
Meanwhile, Jeffries delivered remarks pushing map changes that would redraw congressional districts into what one observer described as “a Democratic geometry experiment gone feral.”
Witnesses report:
- Heightened rhetorical aggression
- Unprovoked attacks on “threats to democracy”
- Verbal foam production
- A tendency to attack anything resembling a Republican
Local residents are simply asking whether anyone tested the microphone.
Containment Efforts
Animal control quickly secured the rabid raccoon.
Political control, however, remains ongoing.
Maryland already sends 7 Democrats and 1 Republican to Congress. The proposed redistricting push could eliminate even that lonely GOP island, transforming the delegation into what insiders are calling “a single-party nature preserve.”
Experts say rabies spreads through bites.
Gerrymandering spreads through committee hearings.
One is treated with vaccines.
The other is treated with press releases.
Public Safety Advisory
Health officials warn: If you see an animal acting aggressively, avoid contact.
Voters are advised: If you see a district map shaped like a melted pretzel, avoid pretending it’s organic.
Residents near the State House reported confusion after spotting a creature pacing, gesturing wildly, and appearing allergic to bipartisan competition.
Authorities clarified: “That one is not wildlife-related.”
The Bigger Question
Was the raccoon emboldened by the political environment?
Did it mistake the State House for a safe habitat?
Or did Annapolis simply experience a rare convergence of two naturally aggressive forces competing for dominance over territory?
We may never know.
But if you notice excessive frothing, territorial map redrawing, or sudden urges to eliminate entire species of political opposition, please contact the proper authorities.
Preferably before the next census.
No raccoons were involved in drafting congressional maps. Probably.
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