While politicians argue about funding leverage, the sewage continues its bipartisan march downstream.
The Potomac River issued a formal statement Tuesday clarifying that it is “nonpartisan, geographically located in Maryland, and deeply tired of being used as a talking point.”
The river’s remarks come amid a growing political battle over federal funding, disaster preparedness, and the small matter of approximately 300 million gallons of raw sewage flowing through its waters.
“I would like to remind elected officials that I am a river,” the Potomac allegedly stated in a prepared release. “I do not vote. I do not caucus. I do not care about immigration amendments. I would, however, prefer not to be full of sewage.”
Congress Discovers Water
Members of Maryland’s congressional delegation reportedly spent several hours in an emergency briefing clarifying that FEMA funding, DHS funding, and the Potomac River are, in fact, all real things.
One unnamed staffer admitted, “We thought this was a metaphor.”
The Potomac Interceptor collapse, which dumped millions of gallons of untreated sewage into the waterway, was initially categorized by some officials as “a developing situation,” “an infrastructure challenge,” and “a great opportunity to pivot back to immigration messaging.”
FEMA Considered “Optional”
Sources say lawmakers engaged in an intense debate over whether FEMA is:
A) A federal disaster response agency
B) A branding concept
C) Something you fund only when politically convenient
In the end, several members concluded that FEMA exists in a “Schrödinger’s Budget Box” — simultaneously essential and negotiable depending on the news cycle.
Chesapeake Bay Requests PTO
The Chesapeake Bay, already exhausted from decades of nutrient runoff and cleanup initiatives, has reportedly submitted a formal PTO request to the Environmental Protection Agency.
“I was finally starting to feel better,” the Bay said. “And now this.”
Local crabs have declined comment but were seen floating belly-up in what experts describe as “a bipartisan fashion.”
Governor’s Office Releases Map
Meanwhile, the Governor’s Office released a helpful educational graphic confirming that the Potomac River is, in fact, located within Maryland’s borders.
The map was reportedly reviewed by multiple consultants before being finalized.
Federal vs. State vs. Gravity
As federal and state leaders argue over responsibility, the sewage continues to perform its duties uninterrupted.
“It doesn’t wait for cloture votes,” one environmental scientist explained. “It just flows.”
Analysts note that while politicians debate leverage, optics, and messaging frameworks, rivers tend to focus on simpler priorities like gravity, bacteria growth, and downstream impact.
The Real Winner: The Sewer Pipe
In a surprise development, the broken sewer pipe issued its own statement:
“I’ve been neglected for decades,” it said. “But sure, let’s argue about DHS.”
Conclusion
At press time, the Potomac River was still located in Maryland.
The sewage was still flowing.
Congress was still in session.
And the political statements were multiplying faster than E. coli.
Political Party Animals will continue monitoring both the bacteria levels and the rhetoric.
This article is satire. Any resemblance to competent governance is purely coincidental.
Keep Political Party Animals Free
Political Party Animals exists to laugh at politics so we don’t cry about it. Satire, parody, and absurdity are how we call out hypocrisy, nonsense, and the occasional clown show in public life.
If this piece made you laugh, groan, or say “yep, that tracks,” reader support helps keep the satire sharp and independent.
Political Party Animals 