In a move that shocked absolutely no one who has ever watched daytime television at full volume, Stephen A. Smith reportedly announced he is “strongly considering” a 2028 presidential run — and then proceeded to debate himself for 47 uninterrupted minutes about it.
Standing at a podium that looked suspiciously like the set of First Take, Smith declared:
“The Democratic Party? Hopeless. The Republicans? Confused. The American people? Deserve better. And quite frankly… I’m appalled!”
Witnesses say he then paused dramatically, removed imaginary glasses, and accused the entire federal government of having “no heart, no hustle, and absolutely no defensive strategy.”
A Campaign Built on Volume and Vibes
Insiders say Smith’s potential platform includes:
- Replacing the State of the Union with a 90-minute monologue
- Settling Supreme Court disputes via moderated debate
- Instituting a national “Accountability Hour”
- Forcing Congress to answer, on camera, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?”
Unlike traditional candidates, Smith would reportedly refuse teleprompters, opting instead to freestyle policy positions with escalating intensity.
One aide described his foreign policy strategy as:
“If you can’t articulate it clearly and loudly, you shouldn’t be negotiating it.”
Democrats Reportedly Concerned
Sources inside Democratic circles say party leaders are uneasy about the possibility of being out-debated on their own debate stage by a man who once spent 12 minutes dismantling a backup point guard’s pick-and-roll technique.
“Look,” one anonymous strategist said, “we can handle governors, senators, maybe even a billionaire. But a man who can cross-examine you and then yell ‘BLASPHEMY!’ in 4K resolution? That’s different.”
Rumors are swirling that Smith’s campaign slogan may be:
“America, You Don’t Want These Problems.”
Debate Stage Chaos Expected
Political analysts predict that if Smith runs, primary debates would become appointment television.
Picture it:
A seasoned senator begins delivering a measured answer about fiscal policy.
Smith leans forward.
“LET. ME. BE. VERY. CLEAR.”
And suddenly the C-SPAN ratings triple.
Moderators would need commercial breaks every seven minutes just to lower the national blood pressure.
The Outsider Advantage
Smith’s appeal may lie in his outsider persona. He is not a governor. Not a senator. Not a career bureaucrat.
He is a man who has turned arguing into a respected craft.
He has debated athletes, executives, fans, coworkers, and occasionally gravity itself.
And unlike traditional politicians, he does not hide his reactions. If he disapproves, you will know. Immediately.
Some voters reportedly appreciate the transparency.
“He yells,” one undecided voter said. “But at least it feels honest.”
A Nation That Loves a Mic
Let’s be honest: America already treats politics like sports.
We have teams. Rivalries. Playoff atmospheres. Instant reactions.
So perhaps it was inevitable that someone like Stephen A. would look at Washington and say, “You know what this needs? More film study.”
And while this may be satire — for now — one thing is certain:
If Stephen A. Smith steps onto a presidential debate stage in 2028, no one will be checking their phone.
They’ll be bracing for impact.
And somewhere in the background, faintly, you’ll hear it:
“I’M HERE TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW… THIS COUNTRY CAN DO BETTER.”
And honestly?
You’d probably watch.
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