In the boldest move since they mandated participation ribbons for high school gym class, the NCAA has today unveiled its newest innovation in competitive fairness: the Feelings-First Playoff System (FFPS), a revolutionary postseason format that includes all NCAA Division I FBS teams in a single unified playoff bracket so that no program—Power Four or Group of Six—ever feels “excluded” again.

Under the new proposal, every team from the fabled big leagues to the “we think we have a campus somewhere in Nebraska” schools will be part of the playoff celebration. Yes, that’s every team. No cutoff. No qualifiers. No sleeping until bowl season is over. According to insiders, the new format was designed after several programs reported emotional distress when they learned they might not make a 12-team bracket.

The bracket literally begins at “Everyone, Please Line Up Alphabetically.” First-round matchups are scheduled not by rankings or records or any sort of measurable football metric, but by alphabet soup: Alabama A&M vs. Akron, Ball State vs. Baylor, and … yes, Boston College vs. Bowling Green in a game that is now affectionately being called “The Great ‘B’ Battle Royale.”

“It just feels right,” said one NCAA committee member, who asked not to be named because his job description apparently now includes healing collegiate insecurities. “We heard so many complaints about how people felt left out of existing bracket talks—even reality TV shows went on longer than some teams’ seasons. This solves everything.”

Under FFPS, the quarterfinals will coincide with grade-school parent-teacher conferences “so young fans can finally see their favorite team play at a reasonable hour.” Meanwhile, special wildcard entries include:

• Community Service Bonus Picks for teams with the best alumni volunteer hours—because athletes serving others should definitely have playoff exposure.
• Mascot Bracket Influence where the most charismatic mascot gets extra fan votes (think Dolly the Duck wielding veto power over seeding).
• Hype Train Fast Passes granted to teams with the most spirited marching bands—Brass sections now officially outrank quarterbacks.

Critics of the new system claim that this may dilute the competitive aspect of college football—and to them the NCAA leadership responded with a tear-filled heartfelt memo: “Winning is great, sure. But belonging is better.” If that sentiment seems familiar, that’s only because it inexplicably mirrors your third-grade soccer coach’s post-game speech.

As part of the new structure, every team reaching the Round of 32 receives a commemorative plaque. Every team in the Round of 16 gets a participation banner. And every team not advancing beyond the first round receives an official NCAA “Thanks for Showing Up” certificate, complete with space for a parent or guardian to sign it. (Rumor has it the certificates will also come with stickers.)

In a move praised by fan bases everywhere, this means that even perennial bottom-dwelling programs will now have a championship journey story arc—a narrative arc previously reserved only for Netflix fantasy series and sentient AI chatbots trying to understand sports metaphors.

Of course, ESPN and television partners are reportedly ecstatic. Early revenue projections suggest that adding hundreds of additional games will mean thousands of hours of broadcast content, with special segments like “Which Band Has The Best Drumline?” and *“Mascot Quiz Bowl”—where live mascots compete in trivia for extra yardage on the field.

So mark your calendars. Under the Feelings-First Playoffs, college football season will now begin in August and run uninterrupted through June of the following year—because nothing says “competitive spirit” like the 213th round of Akron versus UConn.

Feelings matter. Inclusion matters. And now, thanks to the NCAA, so does EVERY team—especially if their coach shows up with a really inspiring speech about perseverance.