ANNAPOLIS, MD — A small group of monks on a cross-country peace walk arrived in Annapolis this week expecting to meditate, hydrate, and maybe locate the nearest organic tea shop.
Instead, they accidentally solved Maryland’s affordability crisis before lunch.
According to stunned staff inside the Maryland State House, the monks were given a polite five-minute tour of the building. Somewhere between admiring the dome and asking what “line item” means, they reportedly:
- Cut utility bills by 23 percent
- Reduced the state budget by several billion dollars
- Lowered taxes without forming a single blue-ribbon commission
- Balanced the books using nothing but a whiteboard and inner peace
“It was incredible,” said one legislative aide who asked not to be identified for fear of being reassigned to the Department of Mindfulness. “They just sat cross-legged in the Senate chamber, rang a small bell, and whispered, ‘Detach from unnecessary spending.’ Suddenly three agencies disappeared.”
Witnesses say the monks achieved more measurable fiscal reform in five minutes than Wes Moore has managed in three years of task forces, press conferences, and PowerPoint decks with words like “transformational ecosystem synergy.”
The Enlightenment Budget Framework
Sources inside the State House say the monks applied a radical new budgeting technique known as “Looking at the Numbers.”
“They asked why the state keeps raising fees while families are drowning in utility bills,” said another staffer. “Then they calmly suggested not doing that.”
At one point, a monk reportedly stared at a 400-page budget binder, exhaled slowly, and said, “You do not need this many consultants.”
Several consultants instantly dissolved into mist.
Utility companies, long accustomed to rate hikes approved with gentle nods and stern talking points, were said to be “confused and slightly alarmed” when the monks recommended something called “lowering costs.”
A senior official was overheard whispering, “Wait… is that allowed?”
A Masterclass in Simplicity
While touring the historic halls, the monks asked what Maryland families were struggling with.
“Energy costs.”
“Property taxes.”
“Fees.”
“Regulations.”
“Fees about fees.”
The monks reportedly nodded and replied, “Suffering is caused by attachment.”
They then removed three obscure regulatory boards no one remembered creating and redirected the savings to tax relief.
In response, a state analyst tried to introduce a 12-step stakeholder engagement process. The monks handed him a broom and suggested sweeping the floor instead.
Productivity increased immediately.
Reaction From the Governor’s Office
A spokesperson for Governor Moore praised the monks’ “values-driven alignment with holistic equity-centered fiscal mindfulness,” but clarified that the administration prefers “a comprehensive, multi-year strategic framework that convenes community voices to explore the possibility of potentially considering affordability.”
The monks reportedly responded by balancing another spreadsheet.
Businesses Consider Orange Robes
Maryland small business owners were seen lining up outside the State House asking if the monks could “just swing by” their property tax assessments.
“I’ve been to six hearings,” said one Annapolis shop owner. “They’ve been here 20 minutes and already found $800 million in savings under a couch cushion labeled ‘pilot program.’”
Even state lawmakers were impressed.
“They don’t even have a caucus,” said one delegate. “They just have clarity.”
The Five-Minute Legacy
By the time the tour ended, the monks had:
- Reduced the budget deficit
- Simplified two tax codes
- Eliminated three advisory councils
- Lowered the average family’s projected utility burden
- And achieved bipartisanship by not yelling at anyone
As they quietly resumed their peace walk out of Annapolis, one monk reportedly turned back toward the dome and said:
“Government should serve the people. If it becomes too heavy, set it down.”
Staffers are still trying to figure out which department that applies to.
Meanwhile, Maryland families are asking the obvious question:
If a handful of monks can cut taxes and slash utility bills during a bathroom break, what exactly has everyone else been doing?
Sources confirm the monks are now headed toward Baltimore, where they are expected to eliminate three redundant task forces simply by blinking twice.
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