Shoppers at a local grocery store were stunned this weekend when a familiar Brooklyn accent pierced the automatic doors.
“I am once again asking you to reconsider your cookie monopoly.”
Standing just feet from a folding table stocked with Thin Mints, Samoas, and Tagalongs, Bernie Sanders launched into an impassioned speech accusing the Girl Scouts of operating “a highly consolidated confectionery oligarchy” that has “crushed competition, exploited seasonal labor, and cornered the mint-chocolate futures market.”
The Girl Scouts, aged 7 to 11, listened politely while practicing the ancient art of maintaining eye contact and not laughing.
“Who Controls the Cookies?”
Sanders reportedly arrived mid-speech after spotting the stand from the produce aisle.
“You have three companies,” he shouted, gesturing with a reusable tote bag, “three! That control nearly 100 percent of the Girl Scout cookie supply in this country. And the American people are asking: why?”
When a parent gently explained that the proceeds fund camping trips, community service projects, and leadership development, Sanders nodded gravely.
“That’s what they want you to think.”
He then demanded to know why a single box costs six dollars and whether the scouts had disclosed their ties to Big Cookie.
A Rigged System
According to witnesses, Sanders laid out a sweeping reform agenda that included:
- A federal cookie price cap
- A public option for Shortbread
- Debt relief for families forced to buy “just one more box”
- A full Senate investigation into the Samoa-to-Caramel deLite pipeline
“This is not about cookies,” Sanders said, voice echoing across the parking lot. “This is about power.”
At one point, he asked a third-grader in a green sash whether she believed billionaires should exist. She replied that her favorite cookie was Thin Mints and asked if he had cash or Venmo.
The Scouts Respond
Unshaken, the scouts executed a flawless counteroffensive: smiling, nodding, and offering Sanders a box “for later.”
Sources say Sanders paused, stared at the cookies, and whispered, “I shouldn’t.”
Moments later, he bought four boxes “for the movement,” insisting they be rung up as a donation to grassroots organizing.
The Aftermath
Sanders eventually wandered off toward the parking lot, still muttering about consolidation, muttering “back in my day, cookies were three dollars,” and vowing to introduce the Fairness in Seasonal Snack Distribution Act.
The Girl Scouts recorded record sales that afternoon.
When asked for comment, the troop leader issued a brief statement:
“We appreciate Senator Sanders’ passion. We also accept exact change.”
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