MINNEAPOLIS — In what will surely go down as the most Minnesota thing ever, a faction of self-described anti-ICE rioters in Minneapolis reportedly announced a temporary ceasefire in their ongoing street actions this weekend — not for de-escalation talks, water distribution, or negotiations with law enforcement — but because the Olympic schedule waits for no one.
Yes, according to multiple totally serious eyewitness sources (and at least one person who definitely wasn’t just embellishing), demonstrators paused their customary road blockades and doxxing sessions long enough to gather around smartphones and small portable TVs to watch Ilya Malinin’s figure skating performance at the Milan-Cortina Olympics.
“Look,” said a protester quoted anonymously because apparently people do this now, “we can’t be out here burning effigies of ICE agents and tracking down phone numbers while Ilya quadruple-axels his way into history. Priorities.”
This extraordinary truce reportedly lasted for “a few minutes,” during which time:
- Traffic miraculously flowed as locals abandoned their favorite gridlock avoidance routes and actually drove home instead of being funneled into a series of climbable garbage barricades.
- One guy who’d been trying to get to a Twins game managed to park his car without someone asking him what he knew about Homeland Security.
- The general mood on Franklin Avenue shifted from “block the federal convoy!” to “did you see that spin? Incredible.”
At approximately 8:47 p.m., the peaceful Olympic interruption concluded. A spokesperson for the contingent (who insisted on wearing ski goggles because “it matches the theme”) declared, “Okay, resume street disruption. The Russians have finished their triple toe loop.”
The timing could hardly be more surreal: law enforcement has recently been locking down parts of Minneapolis over protests sparked by alleged threats against ICE officers and other anti-federal rhetoric, and at least one self-described Antifa supporter was arrested on federal charges this week.
But even amid cyber-stalking investigations and serious political grievances, apparently nothing — not even civil unrest — supersedes high-stakes skating. Because if there’s anything Minnesotans agree on, it’s that nice blades on nice ice are just nice.
When pressed for comment, a protest strategist in a Carhartt beanie said only, “If Ilya doesn’t land a clean program, we riot again. But until then? Quiet streets and a decent cheddar curd are my priorities.”
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