By the time the Olympic flame is lit in Milan and Cortina d’Ampezzo in 2026, Team USA may arrive with fewer figure skaters and more laminated badges.
In a move that aides insist is “mostly a joke, unless it polls well,” Donald Trump announced Tuesday that the United States will send Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents—not athletes—to compete in the 2026 Winter Olympics.
“This is about winning,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody checks documents like our people. Nobody skates borders like ICE.”
According to a draft executive memo helpfully titled Operation Gold Medal Deportation, the entire U.S. delegation would be drawn from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, outfitted in red, white, and blue tactical fleece, and trained to convert routine Olympic events into “compliance exercises.”
Event Conversions, Now With Enforcement
Under the plan, traditional competitions would be “reimagined”:
- Speed Skating becomes Expedited Removal on Ice, judged on how quickly agents can identify and escort a suspicious-looking Zamboni.
- Biathlon swaps rifles for clipboards; penalties issued for improper paperwork rather than missed targets.
- Curling is replaced by Administrative Detention, where stones are slid gently into holding areas while teammates argue over jurisdiction.
- Figure Skating remains unchanged, except every routine ends with a press conference.
The U.S. Olympic Committee reportedly asked whether this violates international sporting norms. The response: “Norms are optional.”
Protests Rage, Confusion Spreads
Protests erupted across American cities within hours, with demonstrators chanting, “Let them skate!” and “No medals for middle management.” Meanwhile in Italy, crowds gathered in Milan waving signs that read Questo non è sport (“This is not sport”) and Per favore, solo sciatori (“Please, just skiers”).
Italian officials, caught flat-footed, issued a diplomatic statement noting that while Italy “welcomes spirited competition,” it was “unclear how deportation logistics score under IOC rules.”
Trump Calls It ‘Soft Power, But Tough’
Trump, undeterred, framed the move as cultural diplomacy. “We’re exporting American excellence,” he said. “Discipline. Order. Jackets with lots of pockets.”
Asked whether replacing Olympians with federal agents might hurt morale, Trump waved it off. “Our athletes will be fine. They can protest. The agents are used to that.”
Insiders say Trump is especially excited about the Opening Ceremony, which would feature ICE agents marching behind a giant eagle drone, followed by a float labeled Legal Entry Only.
Medal Count Projections Revised
Early forecasts suggest the U.S. could dominate in newly proposed events like Paperwork Slalom and Chain of Custody Relay. Traditional winter sports remain a question mark.
“Look, we don’t know if they can ski,” admitted one anonymous official. “But we’re very confident they can issue warnings.”
As the world debates whether this is satire, policy, or performance art, one thing is certain: the 2026 Games may go down in history as the first Olympics where the phrase “Papers, please” echoes through the Alps.
And if nothing else, Trump has achieved his stated goal—getting the world to talk about America again.
“Gold medal trolling,” he called it.
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