Imperialist snow conditions expected to underperform
PYONGYANG (KCNA) — The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea announced today that it will decisively dominate the 2026 Winter Games in Milan and Cortina d’Ampezzo, projecting a historic 137 gold medals, 12 silver medals, and zero bronze medals, as bronze remains an ideologically confusing alloy.
According to the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA), this overwhelming victory has already occurred in spirit, theory, and carefully reviewed internal reports, which confirm that DPRK athletes have trained so intensely that gravity itself has applied for asylum.
“Our athletes do not merely ski downhill,” KCNA reported. “They persuade the mountain to lower itself out of respect.”
Officials clarified that North Korea will sweep every event it enters, including several disciplines not yet recognized by the International Olympic Committee, such as Ideological Speed Skating, Synchronized Salute Biathlon, and Freestyle Loyalty. The DPRK is also expected to medal in figure skating without music, as silence better reflects national discipline.
State media further explained that while other nations rely on outdated concepts like physics, aerodynamics, and oxygen, DPRK athletes benefit from Juche-enhanced endurance, allowing competitors to perform triple axels while maintaining perfect posture and ideological clarity.
The Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, was credited as the spiritual architect of the medal haul, despite not attending the Games, not skating, and not being bound by winter. KCNA confirmed that every medal won will be retroactively dedicated to his leadership, including medals won by other countries that “clearly felt DPRK influence.”
Western analysts, described by KCNA as “confused people in large coats,” have questioned how a nation without a visible Winter Olympics delegation could possibly top the medal table. DPRK officials dismissed these claims, noting that absence is a strategic advantage and that medals are “most powerful when unseen.”
The DPRK also preemptively rejected any results published by international scorekeepers, stating that foreign judges are historically biased toward “countries with snowmaking machines and functioning press conferences.”
As the Games approach, KCNA concluded with confidence:
“History will record that the 2026 Winter Olympics were won decisively by the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, regardless of what happens in Milan, Cortina, or reality.”
The final medal tally will be announced shortly after the closing ceremony, or earlier, if victory demands it.
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