In what election lawyers are calling “deeply concerning but also kind of impressive,” officials in Maryland and Virginia confirmed this week that their proposed redrawn congressional maps were not crafted by legislative committees, constitutional scholars, or even interns with crayons—but were instead impulse-purchased on DealDash sometime after midnight.
According to sources familiar with the process, the maps were won after a competitive bidding war that began at $0.01 and escalated rapidly once someone shouted, “WAIT—LOOK AT DISTRICT 7.”
“I Thought It Was a Charcuterie Board”
Maryland lawmakers reportedly believed they were bidding on a novelty cutting board shaped like the Chesapeake Bay.
“It had peninsulas. It had inlets. It looked artisanal,” said one delegate, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Next thing we know, we’ve got a congressional district that starts in Bethesda, dips into a crab shack, clips three unrelated counties, and somehow ends up behind a Royal Farms.”
Virginia officials, meanwhile, claim their purchase was a simple misunderstanding.
“We thought it was modern art,” said a state staffer. “You know—abstract lines, bold curves, a strong commentary on power and imbalance. Turns out it was District 4.”
DealDash Description: ‘Lightly Used, Some Assembly Required’
The listing itself did little to clarify matters. The auction description reportedly read:
‘Pre-owned congressional map. Minor wear. Districts may not be contiguous. Voters not included. Satisfaction not guaranteed.’
Still, bidding was fierce.
Maryland and Virginia entered a brief but intense showdown after DealDash’s countdown clock hit ten seconds, with both states deploying their most powerful legislative tools: discretionary funds and bad judgment.
Virginia ultimately won its map after using a “Buy It Now” option labeled ‘Competitive Advantage Bundle.’ Maryland countered by purchasing the extended warranty.
Experts Say This Explains a Lot
Election law experts say the revelation answers long-standing questions.
“This finally explains why some districts resemble a salamander having a panic attack,” said one redistricting analyst. “These maps weren’t drawn. They were won.”
The U.S. Supreme Court declined to comment, though insiders say several justices were overheard asking whether DealDash offers refunds.
DealDash Responds
DealDash issued a brief statement defending the transaction:
“We do not control how customers use the products they win. Maps were sold as-is. No returns after the first election cycle.”
The company added that it is “excited to expand into civic engagement” and is considering future listings, including ‘Judicial Circuits—Mystery Box Edition’ and ‘School Board Boundaries (Randomized Mode).’
What Happens Next
Both states have vowed to review the maps carefully before implementation, though officials acknowledged that one district in Maryland appears to pass through a single Dunkin’ Donuts “for legal reasons,” while a Virginia district briefly exits the state, reenters, and then apologizes.
When asked whether the maps comply with constitutional standards, one aide shrugged.
“Look,” he said. “We got them for 40% off retail. In this economy, that’s good governance.”
DealDash confirmed the auctions are final. The maps will ship in 5–7 business days, or sooner if democracy upgrades to express delivery.
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