WASHINGTON — Fresh off the launch of TrumpRx, the prescription drug initiative aimed at lowering medication costs, President Donald Trump has reportedly set his sights on a new national emergency: the price of fun.
According to aides who insist this is “very serious policy,” the White House is preparing to unveil TrumpTix, a ticketing website designed to “liberate Americans from predatory convenience fees, outrageous service charges, and frankly very sad seats behind pillars.”
“For years, Americans have been ripped off when they just want to see a concert, a ballgame, or one of my rallies—which are, by the way, better than most concerts,” the president said, gesturing toward a chart labeled FEES: VERY BAD. “Ticket prices are through the roof. The roofs are incredible roofs, but still—too high.”
A New Front in the War on Fees
TrumpTix, according to early drafts, will promise “No Woke Fees”, “Transparent Pricing (The Best Pricing)”, and a revolutionary checkout feature that replaces the usual $47.83 service charge with a single line item called Freedom Fee, described as “much lower, very fair, people are saying it’s the lowest.”
The platform will reportedly use a proprietary algorithm—developed by “very smart people, MIT-type people”—to ensure tickets are distributed “fairly,” meaning loyal users get early access, better seats, and an email reminding them how much worse it used to be.
“Other ticket companies? Total disaster,” Trump said. “You click buy, the ticket is $80, then suddenly it’s $240. Where did it come from? Nobody knows. Under TrumpTix, you’ll know. Tremendous clarity.”
Sports, Music, and Rally Seating—Reimagined
TrumpTix is expected to cover major concerts, professional sports, and political events, including Trump rallies, which insiders confirm will now feature “dynamic patriot pricing.”
“If the crowd energy is high, prices stay low,” one official explained. “If the fake news is mad that week, prices drop even more.”
Premium rally packages may include floor seating, commemorative wristbands, and optional noise-canceling headphones “for people seated near the media section.”
The administration insists this is not a conflict of interest. “This is about affordability,” a spokesperson said. “Also, efficiency. Also, winning.”
Industry Reaction: Panic, Confusion, Emails at 2 A.M.
Ticketing executives were reportedly stunned by the announcement, with one industry insider admitting, “We honestly didn’t think anyone would notice the fees anymore.”
Music fans expressed cautious optimism. “If he can get me into a stadium show without taking out a small loan, I don’t care what color the website is,” said one concertgoer. “As long as it doesn’t crash at checkout.”
Sports leagues, meanwhile, are said to be reviewing the proposal carefully, especially a rumored clause allowing the president to personally label certain playoff games as “must-see, historic, possibly rigged if my team loses.”
Coming Soon
TrumpTix is slated for a soft launch later this year, with beta access offered to “real Americans who remember when tickets were printed on paper and cost $25.”
Asked whether this expansion into entertainment pricing was part of a broader strategy, the president smiled. “We fixed medicine. Now we’re fixing fun. Nobody’s ever done that before.”
Analysts say if successful, Trump may next target airline baggage fees, parking garages, and “whatever is going on with popcorn prices.”
“Entertainment should be affordable,” he concluded. “And under TrumpTix, it will be. Believe me.”
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