WASHINGTON — Declaring it “long overdue, very overdue,” Donald Trump has reportedly begun sketching plans for what aides are calling a “bold, historic, incredibly on-brand” tribute to America’s 250th birthday: a full-scale McDonald’s Golden Arches monument rising above the National Mall.
According to sources familiar with the concept, the arches would be taller than the Washington Monument, shinier than the Lincoln Memorial at noon, and visible from space “on a clear day, which we’re going to have, because I’ll order it,” the president said while gesturing at a napkin drawing that featured a bald eagle clutching a Big Mac.
“This is about heritage,” Trump explained. “French fries. Freedom. Fast. People forget—McDonald’s is more American than apple pie. Apple pie is good, but McDonald’s figured out how to sell it faster.”
The Monument, Explained (By People Who Are Tired)
Draft proposals describe twin golden arches spanning the Reflecting Pool, with a ceremonial drive-thru lane reserved for heads of state and Ohio. At the base, tourists could visit the Hall of Condiments, featuring original packets of ketchup from every administration since Nixon, and a solemn Eternal Fry Warmer to honor fallen lunch hours.
Administration officials insist the monument would be privately funded “by very patriotic donors,” though an early budget memo allocates federal funds for “taste-testing,” “focus groups,” and a line item labeled “extra napkins (historic).”
A Bicentennial-Plus-One With Extra Cheese
Trump framed the project as the natural evolution of American commemoration. “We’ve had statues of generals. We’ve had marble. We’ve had stone. Nobody ever did arches. Very innovative. Frankly, genius,” he said, adding that the arches would be coated in 24-karat gold “because 23-karat is weak.”
Asked whether the design trivializes the nation’s founding ideals, Trump waved off the concern. “The Founders loved efficiency. Drive-thru is efficiency. If George Washington had a drive-thru, we’d have won the Revolutionary War in a week.”
Critics Object; Supporters Order Value Meals
Predictably, preservationists clutched their pearls (and reusable water bottles), warning that the monument could “commercialize civic space.” Supporters countered that it would finally provide something Washington truly lacks: affordable lunch within walking distance of a committee hearing.
“This is cultural realism,” said one senior advisor. “People already eat McDonald’s while arguing about the Constitution. We’re just being honest about it.”
The Grand Opening (Tentative)
If approved, the unveiling would coincide with July 4 celebrations, featuring a 21-sizzle salute, a limited-edition Founders Meal (two patties, one nation), and fireworks synchronized to the rhythmic beeping of a reversing delivery truck.
As Trump concluded, pointing at the arches on his napkin one last time: “When people come to Washington, I want them to see greatness. I want them to feel pride. And I want them to ask one simple question—‘Do you want fries with that?’”
America, it seems, may soon answer.
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