Activists demand recognition, accountability, and at least a footnote

WASHINGTON—Sirens wailed, placards waved, and feelings were deeply validated this weekend as thousands of liberal, socialist, and self-identified communist activists poured into the streets to protest what they describe as a “systemic exclusion crisis”: once again, they were not named in the Jeffrey Epstein files.
The outrage followed the release of a new 3-million-document data drop, which—despite its size—failed to include the protesters’ names, aliases, burner emails, or even a blurry background cameo. The omission, activists say, is “problematic,” “erasing lived experiences,” and “deeply triggering to people who absolutely would have been invited if the system weren’t rigged.”
“This is about representation,” shouted one organizer through a megaphone powered by a solar panel and spite. “If billionaires, royalty, and random financiers can get named, why not us? We were vibing in the 2000s. We were adjacent.”
“We Deserve a Line Item”
Protesters carried signs reading “NO LIST, NO PEACE,” “INCLUDE US OR CANCEL HISTORY,” and “CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE—WE WANT A FOOTNOTE.” One handmade banner simply read: “HOW DARE YOU FORGET ME?”
Several activists argued that exclusion from the files amounts to social injustice. “This is gatekeeping,” said a protester wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt purchased on a major e-commerce platform. “The elites hoard everything—wealth, power, islands—and now narrative inclusion.”
Others demanded a People’s Appendix, a crowdsourced add-on where anyone could self-identify as “probably involved, spiritually.”
Academic Panels, Emotional Support Tents
The protests featured teach-ins explaining how not being named is actually worse than being named. One panel, titled “Invisible but Complicit: Trauma of the Unlisted,” concluded that exclusion perpetuates harm by denying activists the catharsis of public scandal.
Nearby, emotional support tents offered coloring books, hot cocoa, and guided affirmations such as: “Your absence is valid,” and “You were important enough to be omitted.”

Demands Escalate
By Saturday afternoon, organizers released a list of demands:
- Immediate inclusion in all future document releases (retroactive preferred).
- A government apology for “narrative marginalization.”
- A commemorative plaque reading: “Also These People.”
- A Netflix limited series exploring how they “would have totally been there.”
One protest leader warned that demonstrations would continue weekly “until every movement, collective, book club, and open-mic poet receives acknowledgment.”
Authorities Respond
Officials urged calm, noting that the files are not a sign-up sheet. This explanation was rejected as “structural gaslighting.”
As night fell, protesters dispersed—promising to return next week if another data drop fails to validate them.
At press time, organizers confirmed plans for a “March for Mandatory Mention”, followed by a candlelight vigil honoring Those Who Were Emotionally Involved.
“History keeps happening without us,” one activist said tearfully. “And honestly? That’s the real crime.”
Keep Political Party Animals Free
Political Party Animals exists to laugh at politics so we don’t cry about it. Satire, parody, and absurdity are how we call out hypocrisy, nonsense, and the occasional clown show in public life.
If this piece made you laugh, groan, or say “yep, that tracks,” reader support helps keep the satire sharp and independent.
