MINNEAPOLIS, MN – In a bold move that’s got the FBI scratching their heads and the IRS popping champagne, Minnesota’s power couple of progressive politics, Lt. Gov. Peggy Flanagan and Attorney General Keith Ellison, have announced their latest barnstorming extravaganza: the “Yes, We’re Guilty of Fraud – Loud and Clear!” Tour. Billed as a “countdown to caucus” but really more like a countdown to chaos, this northern Minnesota roadshow promises to spill the beans on all the hottest tips for turning taxpayer dollars into personal piggy banks – all while keeping it “loud and clear” for those in the know.

Forget boring town halls about infrastructure or education. This tour is all about the real Minnesota miracle: how to mastermind multimillion-dollar scams using Somali immigrants as unwitting extras, fake businesses as smoke screens, and a dash of riot-inciting magic to sweep the evidence under the rug. “We’re showing up, listening, and having real conversations at a serious moment for our state,” Ellison tweeted, which we’re pretty sure is code for “We’re teaching Fraud 101, bring your notebooks.”

Picture this: Flanagan and Ellison, grinning like cats who ate the canary (or in this case, the entire federal feeding program), rolling into sleepy towns like Duluth or Bemidji in a tour bus wrapped in dollar signs and Somali flags. The itinerary? A whistle-stop series of seminars where attendees learn the fine art of “community empowerment” – aka, setting up phantom nonprofits that siphon off millions in government grants faster than you can say “ Feeding Our Future 2.0.”

First stop: “Fraud Fundamentals with Fake Businesses.” Ellison, sporting his signature glasses that somehow make him look both scholarly and suspiciously shifty, kicks things off with a PowerPoint on how to register shell companies in strip malls.

• “Step one: Find a Somali immigrant community – they’re perfect because they’re hardworking and trusting,” he quips, to raucous laughter from the crowd of aspiring grifters.
• “Step two: Promise them jobs in ‘child nutrition’ programs.”
• “Step three: Pocket the cash and buy yourself a new yacht. Loud and clear, folks!”

Flanagan chimes in with her folksy charm, adjusting her glasses that scream “I’m relatable but also ready to relocate funds offshore.” She dives into the advanced module: “Funneling Funds Abroad – The Exotic Edition.”

“Why keep all that sweet, sweet federal money in boring old America?” she asks rhetorically. “Wire it to overseas accounts disguised as ‘humanitarian aid.’ Pro tip: Use cryptic wire transfers labeled ‘Somali Soccer Supplies’ – no one questions soccer!” Attendees get bonus swag like fake passports and burner phones, because nothing says “serious moment for our state” like international money laundering.

But wait, there’s more! What happens when the feds start sniffing around? Enter the tour’s grand finale: “Riot as Red Herring – Covering Your Tracks with Chaos.” Here, the duo role-plays inciting unrest to distract from the paper trail. “If auditors show up, just tweet something inflammatory about ‘systemic injustice’ and watch the streets light up,” Ellison demonstrates, pretending to smash a piñata shaped like a ballot box. “Riots are like fireworks – dazzling, destructive, and perfect for burying bad news. Bonus: Blame it on the other party!”

Critics (read: anyone with a functioning moral compass) are calling this tour a “masterclass in malfeasance,” but Flanagan and Ellison brush it off. “Minnesotans deserve to be heard, loud and clear,” Flanagan insists, while Ellison nods vigorously, his smile wider than the Mississippi. Rumor has it the tour’s special guests include shadowy figures from overseas banks and a cameo from a “reformed” rioter who’s now a consultant on “distraction dynamics.”

As the bus chugs through the snowy north, one thing’s certain: This isn’t your grandma’s political stump speech. It’s a savage symphony of satire-worthy scandals, where fraud isn’t just a bug – it’s the feature. Will they get away with it? Probably, because in Minnesota politics, the only thing colder than the winters is the oversight. Stay tuned for the encore: “Election Evasion Extravaganza.”

Disclaimer: This is satire, folks. It never happened. If you’re actually planning fraud, riots, or anything illegal, seek help – or at least a better hobby.