In a bold, visionary, galaxy-brain move that could only come from Washington, Mark Kelly (D-AZ) has reportedly introduced groundbreaking legislation to ban driver’s licenses—because, as the logic goes, driver’s licenses make it harder for Americans to drive.
That’s right. Not potholes. Not traffic. Not the DMV line that stretches from Phoenix to the heat death of the universe. The real obstacle to driving, according to this brave new theory, is the piece of plastic that proves you’re allowed to do it.
Sources say the senator arrived at this conclusion after noticing that people without licenses are, in fact, driving all the time.
“Why are we gatekeeping the road?” Kelly allegedly asked, while staring thoughtfully at a traffic jam he helped philosophically liberate.
The DMV: America’s Most Oppressive Institution
Kelly’s bill reportedly frames driver’s licenses as structural barriers, pointing out that:
- They cost money
- They require paperwork
- They require going somewhere
- That somewhere is the DMV
In Washington terms, this makes licenses “problematic.”
Supporters argue that licenses disproportionately harm low-income Americans and minorities who may struggle to afford the fees, take time off work, or locate the DMV—especially since most DMVs were thoughtfully placed only after a long consultation with Satan.
“Requiring proof of competence to operate heavy machinery at 70 miles per hour is deeply exclusionary,” one aide explained. “We must dismantle carceral traffic norms.”
If Everyone’s Licensed, No One Is
Under the proposed framework, America would move to a license-free driving system, where:
- Anyone can drive
- Anytime
- Anywhere
- In anything with wheels
- At any speed they feel spiritually aligned with
The theory is simple: if licenses are removed, no one is unlicensed, and therefore enforcement becomes unnecessary.
Traffic accidents, under this model, would be reclassified as unexpected automotive outcomes.
Insurance companies are expected to respond by immediately bursting into flames.
Equity on Wheels
Kelly’s allies insist the bill is about fairness.
“Why should someone who can’t afford a license be barred from driving,” one advocate asked, “when they clearly already are?”
The bill also addresses the inequity of written tests, which critics say unfairly discriminate against people who don’t know what road signs mean.
“Stop signs are just suggestions with a colonial past,” said one activist familiar with the legislation.
Next Up: Banning Maps Because People Get Lost
Critics warn this is a slippery slope.
If licenses make driving harder, what’s next?
- Speed limits make speeding harder
- Brakes make crashing harder
- Steering wheels make going straight harder
Insiders say a follow-up bill may target roads themselves, which disproportionately inconvenience people who prefer to drive across lawns.
Conclusion: The Future Is Unqualified
In the end, Sen. Kelly’s proposal asks Americans to rethink everything they know about safety, responsibility, and basic logic.
Why prepare people to drive…
…when you can simply lower the definition of driving?
As Washington continues its proud tradition of solving problems by redefining them out of existence, one thing is clear:
The road ahead has never been less regulated—or more terrifying.
Keep Political Party Animals Free
Political Party Animals exists to laugh at politics so we don’t cry about it. Satire, parody, and absurdity are how we call out hypocrisy, nonsense, and the occasional clown show in public life.
If this piece made you laugh, groan, or say “yep, that tracks,” reader support helps keep the satire sharp and independent.
Political Party Animals 