By the Editorial Ferret, Political Party Animals

MINNEAPOLIS — With the enthusiasm of a DMV clerk who’s just been given a promotion to Senior DMV Clerk, Amy Klobuchar announced she’s running for governor—confirming long-held suspicions that Minnesota’s political establishment believes the last few years simply didn’t go far enough.

Standing before a crowd of loyal staffers, consultants, and at least one person who looked like they wandered in from the skyway by mistake, Klobuchar promised “steady leadership,” a phrase now officially translated as “no course correction, no accountability, and absolutely no learning from consequences.”

The Platform: Double Down, But Louder

According to insiders, Klobuchar’s campaign platform is built on four core commitments:

• If it didn’t work, expand it
• If it failed, fund it
• If it angered voters, explain why voters are wrong
• If questioned, form a committee

“It’s continuity with confidence,” said one adviser. “And by confidence, we mean complete immunity from self-reflection.”

Walz, But With Better Office Lighting

Politically, Klobuchar is best described as Tim Walz with a Senate résumé and a slightly more disciplined press operation. Same worldview. Same outcomes. Same insistence that everything is fine if you squint hard enough and stop reading crime stats.

Where Walz governed like a substitute teacher desperately hoping the bell would ring, Klobuchar plans to govern like the principal who suspended the bell.

“This is Walzism with a clipboard,” said one Capitol observer. “And the clipboard is laminated.”

Minnesota Nice, Weaponized

Klobuchar’s secret weapon has always been Minnesota Nice—now fully weaponized into a political anesthetic. Roads crumble? Minnesota Nice. Businesses flee? Minnesota Nice. Families leave the state? Have you tried smiling more politely while it happens?

Critics say her leadership style is less “decisive” and more “aggressively passive,” marked by sternly worded statements, symbolic outrage, and absolutely zero consequences for anyone inside the blue bubble.

The Kohl’s Cash Industrial Complex

Online critics quickly revived the long-running joke that Klobuchar may be the sole remaining customer keeping Kohl’s alive, citing her uncanny ability to appear eternally dressed for a panel discussion titled “Midwestern Consensus in a Windowless Room.”

Campaign finance disclosures have not yet confirmed whether Kohl’s Cash will be accepted as legal tender for campaign donations, but sources say it’s “under review.”

The Establishment’s Final Form

To supporters, Klobuchar represents “experience.”
To skeptics, she represents the final boss of institutional inertia—a politician so perfectly calibrated to the system that the system itself begins to feel redundant.

“She’s not here to disrupt anything,” said one critic. “She’s here to ensure nothing ever changes, while insisting change is happening very responsibly.”

The Closing Pitch: Trust Us Again

In her announcement, Klobuchar urged Minnesotans to trust her to “move the state forward.” She did not specify forward to where, but aides clarified it would be “roughly the same place, just later.”

As the speech ended, the crowd applauded politely—because this is Minnesota—and the campaign rolled on, powered by nostalgia, bureaucratic muscle memory, and the unshakable belief that voters will eventually give up and comply.

Minnesota didn’t ask for this race.
Minnesota didn’t need this race.
But Minnesota is getting it anyway—because in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, nothing sinks quite like accountability.