NEW YORK — Fresh off its bold decision to explain California to Californians, the New York Post announced this week it is expanding again—this time launching The Greenland Post, a tabloid dedicated to covering America’s newest and coldest future state under President Donald J. Trump.

The move follows renewed national interest in Greenland after Trump reportedly looked at a map again and said, “Yeah. Still want it.”

According to newsroom sources, the Greenland Post will deliver no-nonsense Arctic coverage with headlines America can understand, such as TRUMP TO GREENLAND: YOU’RE HIRED, POLAR BEARS DEMAND BORDER SECURITY, and ICE BUILDS WALL… OUT OF ICE.

“Our readers deserve clarity,” said one editor, pointing at a wall-sized map where Greenland had been circled in red Sharpie with the words ‘Strategic. Cold. Ours?’ written underneath. “If California needed its own Post, Greenland was inevitable.”

A STATE BUILT FOR TABLOID GOVERNANCE

The Greenland Post promises coverage tailored to its unique audience, including:

• Housing pieces explaining why “ice cliffs are still overregulated”
• Opinion columns asking why Greenland hasn’t drilled yet
• Climate stories helpfully titled IT’S CALLED WINTER

The paper will reportedly be printed on extra-thick stock to withstand subzero temperatures and the occasional executive order.

HEADLINES STRAIGHT FROM THE TUNDRA

Early Greenland Post mock-ups include:

• TRUMP FREEZES CRITICS
• DEEP STATE HIDING UNDER ICE
• WOKE GLACIER REFUSES TO MELT
• EXCLUSIVE: POLAR VORTEX ENDORSES TRUMP

Editors say the goal is to bring “straight talk” journalism to a place that has gone far too long without a tabloid telling it what it’s doing wrong.

CALIFORNIA POST WAS JUST THE TRIAL RUN

Insiders admit Greenland was always next after the California Post proved any region can be explained with three words, a stock photo, and a sense of outrage.

“If you can cover California with a picture of a tent,” one editor said, “you can cover Greenland with a picture of ice and the word ‘BORDER.’”

Future launches reportedly under consideration include:

• Mars Post (pending Space Force annexation)
• Atlantis Post (if discovered and insufficiently patriotic)
• District of Columbia Post (classified as a foreign desk)

THE POST NEVER SLEEPS — IT JUST EXPANDS

When asked whether the Greenland Post would hire local reporters, executives clarified coverage would be handled remotely “by someone who once wore a parka.”

“We understand Greenland perfectly,” the editor said. “It’s cold, it’s strategic, and President Trump already looked at it once. That’s basically ownership.”

The first issue of The Greenland Post hits newsstands next week—assuming the newsstands haven’t slid into the ocean.