Maryland woke up this week to discover that Wes Moore has unveiled a brand-new legislative map—fresh, bold, and apparently sponsored by every activist group that has ever owned a Che Guevara t-shirt.
According to the helpful mass text alerts lighting up phones across the state, this isn’t gerrymandering. No, no. This is “undoing the damage”—which in Maryland political dialect means re-drawing the lines until Democrats win harder than they already do.
The Map That Wouldn’t Stop Texting You
The rollout has been subtle. Marylanders learned about the new map the old-fashioned way: unsolicited SMS blasts urging them to pressure Bill Ferguson like it’s a Black Friday doorbuster for democracy.
“JUST GOT THIS TEXT,” activists say, as if the message didn’t arrive simultaneously on every phone from Hagerstown to Ocean City.
The pitch?
If you don’t pass this map right now, Donald Trump will personally burst through the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, redraw Anne Arundel County with a Sharpie, and declare Dundalk a federal crime scene.
Brought to You By: The Usual Suspects
Funding for this civic miracle comes from a totally normal coalition including:
- Stand Up America
- Indivisible Maryland
- Progressive Maryland
- Cat Ladies for America
- SEIU 500
- Vote Save America
- People’s Action
- Third Act Maryland
- And at least one group that sounds like a vegan punk band
If you squint, you can practically see the hammer and sickle watermarked behind the district lines.
Officials insist these groups are merely concerned citizens who coincidentally want one-party rule locked in tighter than an Annapolis cocktail party guest list.
“It’s Not Gerrymandering If We’re the Good Guys”
The messaging is flawless:
Republican gerrymandering is an existential threat to democracy.
Democratic gerrymandering is healing, restorative, and trauma-informed.
This map doesn’t suppress voters—it re-centers them.
It doesn’t rig elections—it curates outcomes.
It doesn’t silence dissent—it reduces noise.
Under the Moore Doctrine, elections should be competitive only in the sense that a Harlem Globetrotters game is competitive.
Democracy, But Make It Mandatory
What really makes this effort special is the urgency. No hearings. No broad public debate. Just:
“Vote YES now or democracy dies.”
Classic confidence. If your plan can’t survive daylight, a few dozen activist SMS campaigns should do the trick.
Marylanders are told this is all about protecting democracy, right after being reminded that dissent is irresponsible, skepticism is dangerous, and opposition is basically collaboration.
Final Thought: Eat the Map, It’s Good for You
Gov. Moore’s new map isn’t being offered to Marylanders—it’s being force-fed, with a side of moral superiority and a garnish of activist cash.
And remember: if you don’t like it, that just proves the system is working.
After all, nothing says “fair representation” like a district map designed by people who already know the election results.
Maryland Democracy™
Now available by text message. Reply STOP to opt out of reality.
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