New York City residents woke up this week to the crushing realization that none of the free stuff promised by Mayor Zohran Mamdani has actually materialized. No free groceries. No free rent. No free transit. Not even a complimentary MetroCard with a “Sorry About That” sticker slapped on it.
What they did get was a press conference.
Standing at a podium surrounded by charts that appeared to be printed directly from Twitter replies, Mayor Mamdani explained that the reason nothing has happened is not his fault, but rather the fault of everyone else who has ever existed.
“It’s Complicated,” Says Man Who Promised It Was Simple
According to the mayor, the failure to deliver universal free everything can be traced to a coordinated effort involving:
- Former Mayor Eric Adams, who allegedly left behind “bad vibes in the filing cabinets.”
- President Donald Trump, who was blamed for “psychologically discouraging abundance.”
- And a hot dog vendor near City Hall, described as “a symbol of unregulated capitalism” and “weirdly smug about mustard pricing.”
“The money was there,” Mamdani said, pointing vaguely at the sky. “But then… forces.”
When asked what forces, the mayor clarified: “Legacy systems, reactionary mindsets, hostile federal vibes—sorry—conditions—and a man who keeps charging $5 for a hot dog.”
Residents Begin Googling “How Promises Work”
Across the city, residents who had enthusiastically voted for a post-scarcity future were seen refreshing their bank apps, squinting at rent invoices, and whispering, “Wait, was that… rhetorical?”
In Williamsburg, one voter reportedly stared at their grocery receipt for ten full minutes before muttering, “I thought bread was supposed to be free by now.”
In Queens, a man was overheard yelling, “I reorganized my entire budget around vibes—sorry—expectations,” before being escorted out of a Trader Joe’s for trying to manifest avocados.
New Plan: Tax Everyone, Aggressively
After confirming that the free stuff would not be arriving “in Phase One, Two, or Any Phase With Numbers,” Mayor Mamdani unveiled his boldest initiative yet: taxing the absolute hell out of everyone.
The new plan includes:
- A “Fair Share Plus Plus Plus” tax for anyone who earns money.
- A “Wealth Proximity Fee” for people who stand near wealthy neighborhoods.
- A “Historical Complicity Surcharge” automatically applied to anyone whose ancestors ever smiled.
“We can’t give you free things,” Mamdani explained, “until we take more of your things first.”
When a reporter asked how this would help affordability, the mayor responded, “Affordability is a mindset.”
Blame Expansion Program Still Under Development
City Hall confirmed that additional blame targets are being evaluated, including:
- The subway rats (insufficient cooperation).
- Weather.
- People who say “actually.”
- The concept of math.
Officials stressed that accountability remains a top priority, as long as it applies exclusively to someone else.
Closing Thoughts from a City That’s Seen This Movie Before
As the press conference wrapped up, Mayor Mamdani reassured New Yorkers that relief is coming—just as soon as the city identifies who to blame next and finishes recalibrating its definition of “free.”
Until then, residents are advised to remain patient, stay hopeful, and prepare for new taxes that will be announced as “liberation contributions.”
The hot dog vendor declined to comment, raising prices instead.
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