Journal of Scientific Hypotheses In Theoretical Environments (S.H.I.T.E.)
Vol. 12, Issue 1 — “Peer-Reviewed, Emotionally Validated”
Abstract
A multidisciplinary team of researchers with clipboards and infinite patience conducted a landmark study examining basic definitional recall among self-identified American liberals. The study concludes—within a 99% confidence interval—that participants demonstrated a statistically significant inability to define:
- what a woman is,
- what fascism means,
- where Minnesota is located,
- what I.C.E. stands for, and
- the first three words of the U.S. Constitution.
The findings suggest a previously undocumented cognitive phenomenon researchers have termed Selective Ideological Amnesia (SIA).
Methodology
Sample Group
- N = 1,200 self-identified liberals
- Recruited from college campuses, Twitter/X replies, protest sign workshops, and NPR tote-bag distribution points
Controls
- Subjects were screened to ensure:
- At least one political bio emoji
- Use of the phrase “educate yourself”
- Prior accusation of fascism toward at least one barista
Testing Conditions
Participants were placed in a calm environment featuring:
- Trigger warnings
- Emotional support water bottles
- A map of the United States labeled “problematic geography”
Results
1. Definition of “Woman”
- 87% responded with:
- “That question is violence.”
- “Anyone who identifies as—”
- Prolonged eye contact followed by HR complaints
- 12% attempted definitions exceeding 400 words
- 1% asked if the researchers were Nazis
Conclusion: Measurable definition avoidance detected.
2. Definition of “Fascism”
- 91% defined fascism as:
- “Anything I don’t like”
- “Disagreeing with me”
- “Capitalism but louder”
- 8% cited “Trump” as a complete definition
- 1% accidentally described authoritarian communism
Conclusion: Term functions primarily as an emotional exclamation point.
3. Locating Minnesota on a Map
- 68% pointed to Canada
- 19% selected “near Wisconsin but spiritually coastal”
- 10% chose California “because vibes”
- 3% asked if Minnesota was a swing state or a feeling
Conclusion: Geography correlated inversely with confidence.
4. Meaning of I.C.E.
- 74% believed it stands for:
- “Institutionalized Cruelty Engine”
- “Immigration = Evil”
- 21% thought it was a Trump-owned beverage company
- 5% said “the frozen water thing but racist”
Correct answer (“Immigration and Customs Enforcement”) triggered visible distress in 63% of participants.
5. First Three Words of the Constitution
- 82% answered:
- “Check your privilege”
- “This document is problematic”
- “Once upon a—”
- 15% said “I don’t recognize that authority”
- 2% cited the Articles of Confederation out of spite
- Only 1% correctly identified: “We the People”
Follow-up interviews confirmed the phrase caused discomfort due to its implication of collective citizenship.
Discussion
Researchers hypothesize that prolonged exposure to algorithm-curated outrage cycles has replaced foundational civic knowledge with reactive slogan storage. Subjects retained high recall for hashtags, yard-sign fonts, and protest chants, but exhibited near-total erasure of concrete definitions.
Conclusion
The study confirms with near certainty that 99% of liberals tested cannot define core terms they use daily, locate key states they campaign in, or recall the opening words of the nation they insist on fundamentally transforming.
Further research is recommended, though funding was withdrawn after reviewers were labeled “fascist-adjacent.”
Ethics Statement
No participants were harmed, though several reported feeling “unsafe” after encountering a map, a dictionary, and the Constitution simultaneously.
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