ANNAPOLIS, MD — In a stunning display of moral clarity, Maryland’s top elected officials once again bravely condemned federal law enforcement this week, carefully avoiding any discussion of the prisons, jails, detention centers, or juvenile facilities operating under their own watch.
Governor Wes Moore, flanked by microphones, cameras, and a fully funded communications team, warned that federal agencies are “endangering communities,” while standing in a state that has somehow misplaced multiple inmates, several court-ordered oversight reports, and at least one juvenile sexual abuse lawsuit.
“We must hold someone accountable,” Moore said, clarifying moments later that the “someone” should live at least 30 miles outside Maryland and preferably report to Washington.
Local Leaders Discover Federal Power Is Bad, State Power Is Mysteriously Always Different
Senators and representatives joined the chorus, describing federal enforcement as “lawless,” “inhumane,” and “out of control,” language sources confirm was chosen because it does not require inspecting anything happening in Baltimore, Jessup, or any Maryland-run correctional facility.
“We cannot tolerate abuse in detention,” said one official, helpfully specifying that this statement applied exclusively to detention centers run by people they don’t know, don’t fund, and don’t appoint.
When asked about inmate deaths, understaffing, medical neglect, or litigation involving Maryland facilities, staffers reportedly responded by handing reporters a flyer that read:
“Have You Considered Being Angry at ICE Instead?”
Angela Alsobrooks Demands Justice, Requests It Be Delivered Out of State
Senator Angela Alsobrooks expressed deep concern for detainees held hundreds of miles away, noting that “children should never be mistreated in custody,” before quickly changing the subject when reminded that Maryland has facilities with ongoing lawsuits alleging exactly that.
“Those situations are different,” Alsobrooks said, explaining that Maryland cases involve complex systems, budgetary realities, and processes currently under review, whereas federal cases are simply “evil.”
Jamie Raskin Warns of ‘Slaughter,’ Unaware Maryland Still Has Doors to Open and Files to Read
Representative Jamie Raskin escalated rhetoric further, warning of “slaughter” and “paramilitary terror,” phrases aides confirmed tested extremely well on social media.
Raskin emphasized that constitutional violations are unacceptable — particularly when they occur somewhere else.
When asked whether the same constitutional standards apply to Maryland detention conditions, Raskin paused briefly, adjusted his glasses, and replied:
“Let’s not whatabout ourselves.”
Chris Van Hollen Demands Answers, Specifies He Will Accept None From Maryland Agencies
Senator Chris Van Hollen announced he is “demanding answers” from federal authorities, noting that his office has repeatedly contacted ICE.
Records show he has not issued a similar public demand to Maryland correctional leadership, possibly due to a long-standing Senate rule discouraging awkward conversations with people you see at fundraisers.
“We will not back down,” Van Hollen said, confirming that “backing down” includes any scenario involving subpoenas, hearings, or audits of state-run facilities.
Experts Confirm Strategy Known as ‘Accountability Tourism’
Political analysts describe the coordinated response as a textbook case of Accountability Tourism — the practice of traveling rhetorically to other jurisdictions to demand reforms you refuse to attempt at home.
“It’s incredibly effective,” said one expert. “You get the moral high ground, the cable hits, and none of the paperwork.”
Maryland Officials Reassure Public That State Problems Will Be Addressed Immediately After Federal Ones, Probably
As of press time, Maryland officials confirmed they remain “deeply committed” to justice, transparency, and reform — particularly once all federal agencies have been fixed, reformed, defunded, reimagined, or abolished.
Until then, Maryland residents are encouraged to remain calm, trust the system, and direct all outrage toward Washington.
Because if there’s one thing Maryland leadership agrees on, it’s this:
Nothing bad happens in your backyard if you never look down.
🦜 MARYLAND ACCOUNTABILITY SCORECARD™
Because it’s easier to audit Washington than Annapolis.
| Category | Status | Official Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| Federal Law Enforcement Criticism | ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (Excellent) | Daily statements issued. Adjectives refreshed hourly. |
| Press Conferences Condemning ICE | ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (Outstanding) | Microphones secured. Lighting optimal. Moral outrage fully funded. |
| Social Media Condemnations | ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (Elite) | Tweets deployed before facts. Retweets prioritized over records requests. |
| State Prison Death Investigations | ⭐☆☆☆☆ (Under Review) | “Complex systems,” “legacy challenges,” “working group forming.” |
| Juvenile Detention Oversight | ⭐☆☆☆☆ (Deferred) | Lawsuit noted. Discussion postponed until after next election. |
| Facility-Specific Accountability (Jessup, Baltimore, etc.) | ☆☆☆☆☆ (Unavailable) | Map does not currently load at this zoom level. |
| Medical Neglect Audits (State Facilities) | ☆☆☆☆☆ (Pending) | Awaiting federal distraction. |
| Public Disclosure of Internal Reports | ☆☆☆☆☆ (Classified by Vibes) | Transparency requires more time and fewer questions. |
| Legislative Hearings on Maryland Corrections | ⭐☆☆☆☆ (Theoretical) | Strong interest expressed. No dates selected. |
| Blaming Washington for Local Failures | ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (World-Class) | Seamless execution. Cross-agency coordination flawless. |
| Holding Appointed State Officials Accountable | ☆☆☆☆☆ (Conceptual) | Accountability remains an abstract principle. |
| Victim Acknowledgment (In-State) | ⭐☆☆☆☆ (Conditional) | Sympathy available upon verification of ZIP code. |
| Media Follow-Up Questions | ⭐☆☆☆☆ (Discouraged) | Please see prior tweet. |
| Moral Certainty (Out of State) | ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (Absolute) | No nuance detected. |
| Moral Certainty (In State) | ☆☆☆☆☆ (Error 404) | Page not found. |
🧾 OVERALL GRADE:
A+ in Condemnation
D- in Governance
Incomplete in Accountability
📌 ADMINISTRATION FOOTNOTE
“This scorecard does not reflect future reforms, forthcoming task forces, or reports currently being drafted, reviewed, re-reviewed, or delayed pending a change in federal administration.”
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