BALTIMORE — In a stunning fusion of municipal governance and mixtape rollout, Mayor Brandon Scott clarified Baltimore’s long-running snow-day controversy not through a press conference, but by spitting facts on a beat.
The issue: parking space savers.
The ruling: still illegal.
The delivery: allegedly a guest verse on a track that sounded like it was recorded in City Hall’s stairwell for “authentic reverb.”
“Chairs ain’t deeds, cones ain’t law,
Dig out a spot — don’t think you own the block,”
Scott reportedly rapped, pausing briefly so the Department of Public Works could nod in rhythm.
Chairs Don’t Convey Title, Cones Don’t Convey Rights
For decades, Baltimore residents have treated snow chairs, milk crates, traffic cones, and the occasional haunted lawn flamingo as if they were notarized property claims. Dig out a space? Drop a chair. Someone parks there? Baltimore Trial by Side-Eye.
But City Hall says no more. Parking space savers are not recognized by the Maryland Annotated Code, the Baltimore City Charter, or the ancient common law of “dibs.”
According to aides, the mayor wanted to “meet people where they are,” which apparently is Spotify.
The Song That Laid Down the Law
The track — rumored to be titled “No Dibs, Just Tickets” — lays out the policy with surprising clarity:
- Snow emergency? Follow posted rules.
- Shovel courtesy? Appreciated, not enforceable.
- Chairs in the street? Consider them temporary public art subject to removal.
A City DOT spokesperson confirmed enforcement will proceed “regardless of BPM.”
Residents React: Confused, Offended, Shoveling Anyway
Reactions across Baltimore were swift and deeply Baltimore.
One Canton resident said, “I don’t care what the song says. That chair is from 1997 and survived three mayors. It’s staying.”
Another in Hampden countered, “Honestly, if the mayor drops bars about it, I guess the chair’s gotta go. That’s just governance.”
Meanwhile, a third resident attempted to argue adverse possession over a folding chair they’ve used since the Ravens’ last Super Bowl run.
Enforcement With a Soundtrack
DPW trucks were reportedly dispatched with the song playing softly as chairs were collected — a therapeutic experience described by one worker as “less yelling than usual.”
City officials insist the message is simple: Baltimore streets belong to everyone, even after snowfall, even if you own a really sturdy patio chair.
As Mayor Scott’s verse concludes:
“Respect the city, respect the street,
Park fair — or pay the fee.”
Coming soon to a citation near you.
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