Richmond woke up this week to a chilling sight: empty grills, lighter wallets, and a mysterious trail of sesame seeds leading straight to the Governor’s Mansion. Just hours after being sworn in, Abigail Spanberger reportedly transformed into the Commonwealth’s most feared folk villain — the Hamburglar of Hard-Earned Money.
Witnesses say the oath of office wasn’t even cold before a striped-sleeve blur sprinted past the Capitol whispering, “I’m lovin’ it… and it’s all mine.”
Sworn In at Noon. Burgers Gone by 12:05.
The inauguration ceremony had barely wrapped when Virginians began reporting spontaneous hamburger disappearances. Backyard cookouts were left with lonely buns. Diners stared in disbelief at empty plates. Somewhere, a dad clicked his tongs twice, turned around, and his double-stack vanished into the ether.
“It was there,” said one Fairfax resident, voice trembling. “I went inside to grab cheese. When I came back? Nothing but lettuce remorse.”
Economists quickly identified the culprit: The Spanburger Doctrine — a bold new governing philosophy where if you’ve got something tasty, taxable, or both, it now belongs to Richmond.
Robble, Robble, Revenue
Sources inside the Capitol describe a new budget strategy scribbled on a napkin:
- Income? Robble.
- Property? Robble.
- Hamburgers? Definitely robble.
- Fries? Don’t even ask.
The administration insists these aren’t “taxes,” but “nutritional contributions to the common good.” According to insiders, every confiscated burger will be “redistributed” — though skeptics note redistribution appears to stop somewhere near the Governor’s desk, where the smell of grilled beef has become suspiciously constant.
The Mask Slips (But the Apron Stays On)
During her first press conference, the Governor denied allegations, stating calmly:
“I have never stolen a hamburger.”
Reporters immediately noticed the faint outline of a black-and-white mask tan line and a ketchup stain shaped exactly like Virginia.
When pressed further, she clarified:
“We’re simply asking Virginians to share a little more.”
At which point a Hot-N-Ready pizza vanished from the briefing room.
A Commonwealth on a Diet
Local gyms report record enrollments as residents prepare for a future where burgers are no longer safe in public. Meanwhile, fast-food chains are considering installing panic buttons labeled “HAMBURGLAR ALERT.”
Political analysts say this is all part of a long-term plan:
- Can’t afford beef? You won’t complain about steak taxes.
- No burgers? Suddenly broccoli feels bipartisan.
Final Thoughts from the Grill
Whether you call it governance, gluttony, or grand theft gastronomy, one thing is clear: a new era has begun in Virginia. An era where liberty fries come with a surcharge, and every backyard barbecue must ask itself a hard question:
Is this my hamburger… or the Governor’s?
Robble, robble, Richmond. Robble, robble.
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