SACRAMENTO — California Governor Gavin Newsom was rushed to the hospital Tuesday night after attempting to eat a Tide Pod in what aides described as “a high-risk, low-IQ content play designed to dominate the algorithm.”
The challenge reportedly originated inside the Governor’s communications shop after staff concluded that Newsom’s approval ratings were “fine with donors but soft with TikTok,” prompting a last-minute decision to prove he was “still one of the youths.”
According to witnesses, Newsom asked three clarifying questions before proceeding:
- “Is this legal?”
- “Is this cool?”
- “Will this upset Ron DeSantis?”
Receiving no clear answers, he did what California leaders do best: he went for it anyway.
“DO IT FOR THE ENGAGEMENT,” STAFFERS CHANTED
Multiple aides confirm the governor hesitated briefly while holding the pod, whispering “This feels like something I’d ban other people for,” before being reassured that irony provided full legal immunity.
Moments later, Newsom reportedly bit down, immediately gagged, and attempted to spin the experience as a metaphor.
“This,” he allegedly wheezed, “is what federalism tastes like.”
Emergency services were called after Newsom attempted to blame climate change for the burning sensation.
ADMINISTRATION INSISTS THIS WAS A SUCCESS
Within minutes, the Governor’s office released a statement declaring the stunt “a bold act of participatory governance” and “a reminder that California leads, even when it shouldn’t.”
A follow-up memo clarified that Newsom had not consumed a Tide Pod but had instead “entered into a temporary detergent-adjacent dialogue.”
The video was briefly uploaded, immediately ratioed, deleted, reuploaded with captions, deleted again, and finally pinned with comments disabled “out of an abundance of transparency.”
POLITICAL ALLIES RALLY AROUND THE POD
Prominent supporters rushed to defend the governor.
“He didn’t eat it,” one surrogate said. “He experienced it.”
Another added, “If Trump had done this, Democrats would call it dangerous. When Gavin does it, it’s performance art.”
Meanwhile, state legislators began drafting emergency legislation requiring:
- Warning labels on social media trends
- A 72-hour cooling-off period before elected officials attempt stunts
- A hard ban on governors taking advice from interns named “Zane”
NEWSOM RECOVERING, BUT THE INTERNET IS NOT
Doctors report the governor is in stable condition and expected to make a full recovery, though he has reportedly sworn off detergent, challenges, and any staffer who says “trust me, this will slap.”
Sources say Newsom is already workshopping his next viral pivot, with early concepts including:
- Shotgunning oat milk to “own Big Dairy”
- Freezing himself in carbon-neutral ice
- Eating a California ballot initiative “to show how confusing they are”
At press time, the Tide Pod remained undefeated.
Political analysts agree on one thing:
California didn’t just jump the shark — it tried to swallow it for engagement.
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