Political Party Animals — Exclusive

In what experts are already calling “the most predictable meltdown since the CNN Iowa Caucus App fiasco,” Congressman-turned-perpetual-lying-machine Eric Swalwell was discovered today curled up in a Capitol office supply closet, knees to chest, sucking his thumb, and whisper-chanting “I am a real Californian, I am a real Californian,” according to several staffers who tried and failed to coax him out with kombucha and verbal reassurance.

The incident reportedly occurred moments after a press gaggle asked Swalwell a series of unthinkably difficult questions, such as:

• “Why do you keep making things up?”
• “Did you or did you not get weirdly cozy with Chinese intelligence agents?”
• “Do you actually live in California?”
• “If not, do you at least know where California is?”

Witnesses say Swalwell’s pupils dilated, his jaw slackened, and like a lab mouse encountering an unsupervised fentanyl pellet, he retreated at full sprint down the corridor, disappearing behind a shelf of expired Clorox wipes and stolen Nancy Pelosi office snacks.

---

THE RESIDENCY CRISIS DEEPENS

While reporters struggled to figure out whether Swalwell currently resides in California, DC, northern Virginia, mainland China, or whatever astral plane Liz Cheney beams in from, the Congressman remained unavailable for comment due to “ongoing therapeutic closet-based interventions.”

One anonymous Democratic strategist defended him, saying:

“Look, the Congressman is dealing with a lot. It’s stressful pretending to be a California resident while laying groundwork for a gubernatorial campaign in a state you technically ghosted.”

---

THE CHINA QUESTIONS WON’T DIE

Critics, however, say Swalwell’s meltdown is merely the karmic bill coming due for years of questionable relationships, fantastical anecdotes, and the deeply unfortunate moment in 2019 when he briefly ran for President, promised a bold new future, and dropped out faster than Pete Buttigieg could say “McKinsey consultant.”

Republicans, smelling blood, immediately launched the Committee on Thumb-Sucking Accountability and issued a subpoena for “proof Swalwell has stopped selling classified gossip to Beijing in exchange for TikTok filters and designer athleisure.”

The committee chair clarified:

“We don’t know if he actually sold secrets to China. But we do know China didn’t ask him to stop talking, which is suspicious enough.”

---

THERAPISTS WEIGH IN

Multiple child psychologists have insisted that thumb-sucking is normal behavior for toddlers under stress, but mildly concerning for a 45-year-old congressman attempting to campaign for Governor of a state he allegedly hasn’t lived in since Obama’s second term.

One clinical expert told PPA:

“It’s classic avoidance. Instead of confronting his lies, inconsistencies, and residency issues, he reverts to oral soothing. Freud would have a field day.”

---

CALIFORNIANS REACT WITH SHRUGS

Meanwhile, California voters responded with a collective shrug, noting they’ve survived Gavin Newsom’s hair products, Kamala Harris’s Word Salad Epoch, and Nancy Pelosi’s insider trading arc.

One Oakland voter asked:

“Does he have a pulse? Is he willing to ban plastic straws? Then yeah, we’ll consider him.”

Another added:

“Honestly, thumb-sucking is less embarrassing than half the state legislature, so at least there’s continuity.”

---

BACK IN THE CLOSET

By late afternoon, staffers reported Swalwell had stopped rocking back and forth and was now methodically reorganizing the closet’s printer toner supply into alphabetical order — a hopeful sign that he may once again be ready to face journalists, constituents, and extremely basic questions about where he lives.

His office issued a brief statement:

“The Congressman is committed to transparency and public service, unless transparency involves residency inquiries, Chinese espionage flashbacks, or the truth.”

The statement ended abruptly with a hand-written note reading:

“I am a Californian. I am. Stop asking.”

America waits.