WASHINGTON—In what experts are calling “bold, maritime, and extremely North Dakota-adjacent,” President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that the U.S. Navy is deploying the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower to Lake Superior as a show of force to quell riots and attacks against federal agents—allegedly incited by Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz and Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey.
“We’re sending Eisenhower,” Trump said, gesturing at a map that appeared to be a placemat from a steakhouse. “It’s tremendous. Huge boat. People are saying it’s the biggest thing that’s ever been on Lake Superior. Frankly, the lake asked for it.”
Within minutes, the internet collectively opened a new tab to ask the obvious question: Can an aircraft carrier even fit in the Great Lakes?
The White House response was swift and confident: “We’re about to find out.”
Operation Freshwater Freedom
According to Pentagon sources who sounded tired but resigned, the plan—code-named Operation Freshwater Freedom—involves guiding the 1,100-foot nuclear-powered carrier through a series of canals, locks, and what one admiral described as “a very optimistic reading of Google Maps.”
“This is unprecedented,” said one naval historian. “Not since the War of 1812 has anyone looked at Lake Superior and thought, ‘You know what this needs? F/A-18s.’”
Trump officials insist the move sends a “clear message” to anyone attacking federal agents tasked with capturing criminal illegal immigrants: America will project power anywhere there is water, vibes, or a strong enough tugboat lobby.
Walz and Frey Respond by Calling It ‘Escalatory,’ ‘Unnecessary,’ and ‘Wet’
Governor Walz criticized the deployment as “reckless militarization,” while Mayor Frey warned that “introducing a floating city of fighter jets into the Upper Midwest may not calm tensions.”
The administration pushed back immediately.
“If local leaders won’t protect federal agents, we will,” said a senior official. “Also, the Navy already printed the hats.”
Local Reactions: Confused, Alarmed, Mildly Impressed
Residents along the Duluth shoreline reported mixed emotions as advance Navy teams began measuring docks with tape measures and hope.
“I don’t know what’s happening,” said one fisherman. “But if jets start taking off over my ice shack, I want compensation.”
Tourism boards, however, are thrilled.
“This is huge for the region,” said a Lake Superior official. “We’re calling it Top Gun: Fargo Road.”
The Big Question Remains
Naval engineers admit the carrier’s draft, width, and general ocean-ness may present challenges. Still, Trump remains unfazed.
“People said the same thing about Space Force,” he said. “And look how that turned out.”
As of press time, the USS Eisenhower was reportedly “heading north,” “waiting on clearance,” or “still in the Atlantic while someone looks up lock dimensions.”
Either way, one thing is certain:
America has entered the Aircraft Carrier on a Lake Era, and there is no turning back—mostly because the carrier may not be able to turn at all.
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