“I’ll Have Whatever Chris Is Having (Paid for by Out-of-State Donors)”
In a stunning display of political efficiency, Senator Angela Alsobrooks has unveiled what insiders are calling the most streamlined governing philosophy in modern Maryland politics: do whatever Chris Van Hollen does, unless an out-of-state donor says otherwise—then do that.
Gone are the messy days of independent thought, constituent feedback, or Maryland-specific problem-solving. In their place is a clean, minimalist workflow that fits neatly on a Post-it note stuck to the inside of a campaign binder:
- Check what Chris Van Hollen is doing
- Copy
- Paste
- Await Venmo instructions from donors in California, New York, or “a coastal zip code that rhymes with Palo Alto”
Sources close to the senator say this system dramatically reduces cognitive load and maximizes fundraising efficiency—two priorities that, coincidentally, poll extremely well with people who don’t live in Maryland.
The Van Hollen Mirror Doctrine™
Under the new Van Hollen Mirror Doctrine, Alsobrooks’ policy positions are updated in real time. When Van Hollen clears his throat, a staffer in Alsobrooks’ office reportedly refreshes Twitter. When he introduces legislation, her team rushes to find a thesaurus so it looks “original enough.”
Asked whether she plans to diverge from Van Hollen on any major issue, one aide replied, “Why would she? That would require deciding something.”
Local Issues? Please Hold.
Marylanders hoping their senator might focus on state-specific concerns—like infrastructure, crime, cost of living, or the general sense that no one in Washington knows where Anne Arundel County actually is—may need to temper expectations.
Policy aides confirmed that any issue not already approved by Van Hollen or validated by a donor spreadsheet is placed in a special inbox labeled “Circle Back After the Next Fundraiser.”
Donor-Driven Democracy, Now With Fewer Steps
Critics have accused Alsobrooks of outsourcing her decision-making. Supporters counter that this is simply modern governance.
“Why waste time listening to constituents,” one strategist said, “when a hedge fund manager from San Francisco has already decided what Maryland needs?”
To streamline the process further, Alsobrooks is rumored to be beta-testing a new feature called Auto-Align™, which automatically updates her stance the moment a donor RSVPs “Yes” to a fundraiser.
Leadership, But Make It Efficient
To be fair, there is something refreshingly honest about the arrangement. No pretense. No ideological mystery. Just a clear chain of command:
Out-of-State Donors → Chris Van Hollen → Angela Alsobrooks → Press Release
In an era of political chaos, Alsobrooks offers voters stability: the comforting knowledge that whatever position you saw last week will be exactly the same next week—assuming Van Hollen hasn’t blinked or a donor hasn’t wired money with notes attached.
Final Thought
Maryland voters often ask what their senators stand for. With Angela Alsobrooks, the answer is finally simple:
She stands slightly behind Chris Van Hollen—unless someone wealthier, farther away, and louder tells her to move.
Efficient. Predictable. And proudly outsourced.
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