In what historians will one day describe as “the moment America finally jumped the shark and then offered it a donut,” Tim Walz has reportedly deployed the National Guard—not to restore order, not to secure perimeters, not even to look vaguely authoritative—but to hand out donuts.
Yes. Donuts.
The same governor who once treated Minneapolis riots like a Netflix series he was “going to get around to finishing” has now rediscovered the Guard’s usefulness—as a mobile Krispy Kreme franchise with camouflage pants.
From “Stand Down” to “Sprinkles Up”
Back in the day, when buildings were on fire and police precincts were being reduced to abstract art installations, Walz reportedly needed four consecutive nights to decide whether deploying the National Guard was a good idea.
Fast forward to today, and the response time is lightning-fast—provided the mission involves pastries, reflective vests, and the gentle suggestion that crime is really just a cry for snacks.
The new Rules of Engagement appear to be:
- Make eye contact
- Offer donut
- Retreat quietly
- Issue press release about “community trust”
The National Guard: Now With Loyalty Points
Guard members were spotted wearing high-visibility vests, which is perfect, because nothing says “serious civil authority” like looking ready to direct traffic at a Costco parking lot.
One can only imagine the briefing:
“Men and women, today’s mission is critical. You will secure the area… emotionally.
Do not escalate. Do not pursue.
If confronted, offer a glazed option.”
Maryland State Senator Kathy Szeliga nailed it when she joked that serving under Walz must feel less like military duty and more like being drafted into a very tense church bake sale.
Minneapolis Burned—But Donuts Heal All Wounds
Political commentator Dustin Grage reminded everyone of the uncomfortable contrast:
When Minneapolis was actually burning, Walz hesitated.
When optics were on the line, Walz mobilized—with powdered sugar.
Apparently, the governor believes riots are a “complex social expression,” but donut distribution is a decisive executive action.
Hearts, Minds, and a Box of Munchkins
Supporters insist this is “de-escalation.” Critics argue it’s what happens when leadership is so terrified of enforcing laws that it replaces authority with carbohydrates.
At this rate, future Guard deployments may include:
- Tactical Muffins
- Crowd Control Cinnamon Rolls
- Latte-Based Conflict Resolution Units
Sources say the Pentagon is already drafting a new manual:
FM 6-9: Pastry Operations in Urban Environments
Coming Soon: The Insurrection Act, But Make It Gluten-Free
If this trend continues, don’t be surprised if the next riot response includes:
- Chalk art stations
- Free-range therapy dogs
- A strongly worded pamphlet titled “Please Consider Not Doing Crime”
Because in the Walz Doctrine™, enforcement is mean, order is problematic, but donuts—donuts are bipartisan.
Final Assessment
This isn’t compassion.
It’s cosplay governance.
When your critics can plausibly argue that you replaced riot control with snack time—and the photos back them up—you haven’t reimagined public safety.
You’ve turned it into performance art with sprinkles.
History will remember many things about this era.
But few will be as haunting as the question:
“Why was the National Guard doing customer service?”
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