ANNAPOLIS — Maryland Democrats confirmed this week that the state’s official governing philosophy for 2026 is “three-ring circus, no intermission.” While residents squint at electric bills that look like ransom notes, lawmakers have bravely chosen to focus on the true crisis facing Maryland: whether local cops are insufficiently hostile to federal law enforcement.
Yes, while Marylanders are Googling “can I legally power my house with candles and vibes,” the General Assembly has decided the real emergency is stopping county sheriffs from accidentally cooperating with ICE. Priorities, people.
Act I: The ICE Distraction Spectacular
The Senate opened the show by laser-focusing on banning local law enforcement from working with ICE—because nothing says “kitchen-table economics” like arguing about immigration enforcement in a state where the biggest border threat is Pennsylvania drivers merging onto I-270.
Democrats insist this is about “public safety,” which is legislative code for “please don’t look at the budget spreadsheet.” If anyone asks about electricity prices, the approved response is to yell “FEDERAL AGENTS!” and point dramatically toward the Potomac.
Act II: Redistricting — Now Featuring Fewer Republicans Than a DSA Potluck
Over in the House, lawmakers rolled out a redistricting plan so aggressive it appears to have been drawn by a Roomba programmed to avoid Republicans at all costs.
The goal is simple: remove every remaining federal Republican seat in Maryland and then act shocked when voters complain about one-party rule. Democracy, but make it artisanal.
When critics object, Democrats respond that the maps are “fair,” “equitable,” and “mathematically sound,” assuming math is now performed using vibes, intentions, and interpretive geometry.
Act III: The Budget That Ate Maryland
Behind the curtain, however, sits the real monster: a budget so mismanaged it could qualify as performance art.
Maryland Democrats inherited a massive surplus and somehow turned it into:
- A $1.4 billion deficit
- $2 billion in new taxes and fees
- Hundreds of millions “lost” in audits
- A SNAP scandal
- The state’s first credit downgrade in five decades
- Car registration fees that feel like financing a used Honda
Asked how this happened, officials blamed:
- Global forces
- Previous administrations
- Climate change
- Possibly Mercury being in retrograde
What they did not blame was themselves, which remains Maryland’s most consistent tradition.
Act IV: “Just Put It on a Payment Plan”
As residents stare at bills higher than their mortgage, lawmakers unveiled their master solution: a payment plan.
Not a fix. Not cost control. Not reform.
Just vibes… and installments.
It’s the governmental equivalent of saying, “Yes, we set your house on fire, but good news — you can pay for the water damage monthly.”
Finale: Smoke, Mirrors, and Duck Noises
The genius of the strategy is distraction. Keep voters arguing about culture wars, immigration slogans, and redistricting diagrams so no one notices the fiscal crater smoking under their feet.
Because if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, raises your taxes like a duck, and tells you it’s actually a goose…
Well, Marylanders are expected to stop asking questions and enjoy the show.
Tickets, after all, are already included on your electric bill.
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