NEW YORK, NY — In a bold act of progressive generosity that absolutely nobody asked for and meteorologists swear they had nothing to do with, New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced Saturday that all city residents will receive free snow this weekend — no strings attached.
That’s right. No applications. No income verification. No residency check. No carbon offset fee. Just pure, uncut snowfall, distributed equitably across boroughs whether they want it or not.
“Snow is a human right,” Mamdani declared at a press conference held outdoors for no reason, standing in front of a podium already buried under six inches of ideological accumulation. “For too long, winter precipitation has been hoarded by wealthy ski towns and Hallmark movies. Today, New York takes it back.”
A Gift to the People (Please Accept Immediately)
According to City Hall, the snow will begin falling late Saturday night and continue through Sunday morning, with officials insisting it is “entirely free of charge” and “not part of a broader program.”
When pressed by reporters about whether residents would later receive a Snow Equity Invoice, Mamdani shook his head vigorously.
“This snow comes with no obligations,” he said. “You don’t have to shovel it. You don’t have to like it. You don’t even have to acknowledge it. That said, parking rules will still be enforced.”
City agencies later clarified that while the snow itself is free, removal of said snow will require:
- A revised alternate-side-parking schedule
- Six new public-private task forces
- A $1.4 billion emergency appropriation
- And the temporary suspension of common sense
Snow for All, Including Cars That Definitely Shouldn’t Be There
The Department of Transportation confirmed that every car parked illegally will receive the same amount of snow as law-abiding vehicles, “to avoid discriminatory accumulation.”
“We believe snow should fall without bias,” a DOT spokesperson said. “Whether you parked correctly or abandoned your Subaru in a bus lane in 2017, you deserve equal coverage.”
Meanwhile, Sanitation crews are preparing to deploy snowplows at random intervals, mostly to streets that were already fine.
Landlords, Small Businesses Brace for Impact
Local landlords expressed confusion, noting that snow tends to “exist on roofs,” which they consider a hostile act.
“We weren’t consulted,” said one Upper West Side property owner. “Now we’re being forced to participate in weather.”
Small business owners were more direct.
“I just finished shoveling from the last ‘historic’ storm,” said a deli owner in Queens. “If this is free, I’d like a refund.”
The Mayor Promises This Is Definitely Not a Pilot Program
Despite skepticism, Mamdani assured residents this was not the start of a recurring initiative.
“There is no Snow Basic Income coming,” he said. “There is no Year-Round Winter Task Force. And there is absolutely no plan to rebrand blizzards as ‘Community Chill Events.’”
When asked why the city couldn’t simply not offer the snow, Mamdani smiled.
“Leadership is about giving people what they need — even when it falls from the sky and blocks emergency vehicles.”
At press time, New Yorkers were advised to remain calm, stock up on bread and milk for reasons no one remembers anymore, and enjoy the mayor’s most generous giveaway yet.
City officials confirmed that next weekend’s forecast includes free wind, pending environmental review.
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