Minnesota awoke this week to yet another Code Red Headphone Incident, after Governor Tim Walz reportedly entered a full Warren-from-There’s Something About Mary spiral when aides, journalists, and reality itself wandered too close to his sacred cans.
Witnesses say the transformation was instant.
One moment: mild-mannered Midwest governor.
The next: Warren, clutching his headset like it’s the nuclear football, eyes darting, voice rising, shouting variations of “You don’t touch the headphones!” and “These are my governor powers!”
The Headphones of Authority™
According to insiders, Walz’s headphones are not merely audio equipment. They are believed to be:
- A symbol of executive control
- A truth-filtering device (filters truth out)
- A tantrum trigger when threatened
Any attempt to adjust, remove, or even acknowledge their existence reportedly causes the governor to revert into full Warren Mode—complete with foot-stomping, circular arguments, and accusations that everyone else is “being mean.”
One aide described it as “like trying to take a chew toy from a nervous rescue dog, except the dog controls the National Guard.”
Don’t Touch the Powers
The meltdown escalates dramatically when someone suggests limiting gubernatorial authority.
At the mere mention of oversight, federal law, or constitutional boundaries, Walz allegedly clutched the headphones tighter and yelled:
“You can’t just take my powers! These were given to me by vibes, polls, and the spirit of emergency declarations!”
Observers say this is a common reaction whenever accountability appears within a five-mile radius.
The L-Word (Liar)
But nothing—nothing—sets Warren Walz off faster than being called a pathological liar.
Sources report that when confronted with past statements that don’t align with current statements (or with physics), the governor immediately launches into a defensive monologue that sounds suspiciously like:
- “That’s not what I meant when I said what I said.”
- “Context!”
- “You’re attacking democracy!”
- “Why are you touching my headphones?!”
At one point, Walz reportedly tried to explain that all contradictions are actually “non-linear truth expressions” and demanded a timeout for everyone else.
Minnesota’s New Warning Label
Political analysts are now calling for a warning label to be placed on all press conferences:
CAUTION:
Do not approach the governor’s headphones.
Do not question his authority.
Do not reference prior statements.
Doing so may result in shouting, gaslighting, or a spontaneous lecture about norms.
Until then, Minnesotans are advised to keep a safe distance, speak softly, and never—under any circumstances—reach for the wires.
Because once Warren Walz hears static…
the tantrum begins.
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