WASHINGTON — In a surprise press conference held somewhere between a campaign rally and a late-night stand-up set, Donald Trump reportedly floated a bold new immigration policy: citizenship for any undocumented immigrant who promises to vote Republican.

The proposal, dubbed “Make America Legal Again (If You Vote Correctly)”, sent shockwaves through the political universe, briefly broke cable news graphics software, and caused several think tanks to burst into flames.

“People say I’m anti-immigrant. Totally false,” Trump said, gesturing wildly. “I love immigrants. Tremendous immigrants. Especially the ones who vote Republican. The best voters. Very legal—once they sign.”

According to insiders, the plan would involve a simple oath, a red baseball cap, and a promise never to call it a “Latinx brunch.”

Democrats React With Historic Policy Reversal

Within minutes of the announcement, Democratic leaders held an emergency Zoom call titled “Wait—Not Like That.”

By the end of the call, several major sanctuary cities had reportedly issued confusing press releases clarifying that while they still oppose ICE in principle, they are now “open to collaboration, joint task forces, and possibly bake sales” if it stops immigrants from voting Republican.

One progressive city council member was overheard whispering, “Can ICE… like… just check those voters?”

Activists who had spent years chanting “Abolish ICE” were seen quietly Googling “ICE anonymous tip line” while insisting this was completely different and contextually nuanced.

Media Scrambles for New Talking Points

Cable news panels struggled to adapt.

One anchor asked, “Is it voter suppression if the voters haven’t voted yet but might vote the wrong way?”

Another simply stared into the camera and said, “This is not the immigration policy we trained for.”

Political strategists warned that the proposal could upend decades of messaging. “The entire moral framework collapses if immigrants stop voting correctly,” said one analyst. “We are not prepared.”

Trump Declares Victory Anyway

Trump, for his part, declared the whole episode a success.

“I exposed them,” he said. “They love immigrants—until they love America. Very sad.”

The plan is unlikely to ever exist outside satire, but for one brief moment, the country experienced true bipartisan unity: everyone agreed they were extremely uncomfortable.

As of press time, Democrats were still clarifying that they oppose deportations in general, except hypothetically, satirically, or in situations involving red hats, pickup trucks, or Fox News bookmarks.

Political Party Animals reached out to ICE for comment. They responded with a single emoji: 🤷‍♂️

This is satire. Please do not call federal agencies because of a meme.