WASHINGTON—In what officials described as “deeply inconvenient to several cable news narratives,” ICE announced the arrest of hundreds of extremely dangerous five-year-olds allegedly affiliated with the notorious transnational gang Tren de Aragua, with their grandmothers apprehended nearby for allegedly serving as the organization’s logistics wing and primary wheelmen.
According to the statement, the operation dismantled a sophisticated criminal pipeline involving juice boxes as currency, Paw Patrol backpacks used to conceal contraband, and coordinated snack-time alibis. Authorities say the children were responsible for a shocking range of crimes, including aggravated naptime resistance, organized finger-painting rackets, and at least one alleged assault involving a sharpened crayon.
Authorities Shocked by Level of Toddler Coordination
“These weren’t your average kids,” said one federal official. “These five-year-olds showed discipline, structure, and a clear command hierarchy. Frankly, they’re more organized than most city councils.”
Investigators revealed that Tren de Aragua’s newest recruitment strategy focused on early childhood development, citing the advantages of suspects who can sprint unpredictably, cry on command, and vanish into a Target aisle without warning.
“By the time they hit kindergarten, they’re already hardened,” the official added. “You can’t teach that.”
Grandmothers Allegedly Ran the Wheels
Even more disturbing, officials say the gang relied on a shadow network of grandmothers to drive the getaway cars—usually beige sedans with impeccable maintenance records and a faint smell of Werther’s Originals.
“These women were professionals,” said ICE. “Blinker usage was flawless. Speed limits strictly obeyed. You’d never suspect a thing.”
Authorities allege the grandmothers communicated using coded language such as ‘Did you eat enough?’ and ‘We should leave before traffic starts’—phrases now believed to signal imminent criminal activity.
One grandmother, when arrested, reportedly asked officers if they’d eaten and attempted to hand them a sweater.
Media Scrambles to Clarify Who the ‘Real Victims’ Are
Within minutes of the announcement, several national outlets issued urgent push notifications clarifying that the arrests were actually about the emotional trauma inflicted on society by the concept of law enforcement itself.
One panelist questioned whether labeling a five-year-old a “violent offender” ignored the broader systemic issues around nap inequality. Another suggested the real crime was separating grandmothers from their Buicks.
Producers reportedly debated whether to refer to the suspects as:
- “Youth-adjacent justice-impacted kindergartners”
- “Snack-insecure freedom fighters”
- Or simply “misunderstood small humans with big feelings”
Community Reaction Mixed, Mostly Quiet Relief
While activists held press conferences denouncing the operation as “weaponized bedtime,” residents in affected communities expressed cautious relief—an emotion still considered controversial in some editorial rooms.
“I just want my kid to walk to school without stepping over crime scenes,” said one local parent, before being politely ignored by a reporter in search of a better quote.
ICE Unapologetic, Promises More ‘Problematic’ Arrests
ICE officials confirmed they will continue arresting individuals based on criminal behavior rather than age-appropriate stereotypes.
“We don’t discriminate,” the agency said. “If you’re running a criminal enterprise and you still need help tying your shoes, that’s not our problem.”
At press time, networks were preparing a follow-up segment titled ‘Are Getaway Grandmas the Backbone of American Culture?’ while quietly cropping mugshots to include more teddy bears.
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