MINNEAPOLIS — In a stunning testament to American restraint, hundreds of millions of citizens can tonight sleep soundly knowing they did exactly one thing that protected their lives: they stayed calm, kept their hands where federal agents could see them, and avoided confronting armed Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents at all costs.
It’s a bold statement when you think about it: in a single metropolitan area earlier this month, two separate encounters between Minneapolis civilians and federal agents ended with federal agents shooting civilians dead — a mother and a local ICU nurse — and yet tens of millions more Americans avoided similar fates simply by not escalating.
One could almost call it a public service announcement:
“If there’s a climate-controlled caravan of uniforms and tactical gear bearing down your street, maybe don’t wave your 9 mm at them — and certainly don’t try to immobilize them with your vehicle.”
To be fair, that advice is now apparently more valuable than ever. After all, Minneapolis has seen at least three shootings involving federal agents in as many weeks during an immigration enforcement surge that has sparked massive protests.
The Great National Game of “Don’t Get Shot”
Political analysts are calling this phenomenon a mass voluntary compliance movement: Americans nationwide are suddenly behaving themselves like they’ve got something to lose. Gun owners are opting to keep both feet on the ground and neither fist on their holster. Drivers are remembering that cars are for groceries, not for negotiating federal agents. Protesters are trying to chant, “Don’t make them shoot,” instead of “Shoot us now.”
Opposition leaders have given credit where it’s due:
- “At least no one in rural Iowa was shot today,” said one National Guard recruiter.
- “Americans across the heartland learned restraint,” echoed a state senator from coffee shop in Nebraska.
Meanwhile, social media posts are exploding with memes inspired by that iconic “Marked Safe From Being Shot by ICE…” flag — a reminder that millions are alive today purely because they’re doing the bare minimum of not confronting federal agents with lethal force. (That’s right: marking yourself “safe” isn’t just a Facebook update anymore, it’s a life choice.)
A New Civics Lesson: Survival 101
Political commentators are now calling this the new civics curriculum. Forget civics textbooks; we’re living in a country where not trying to slam your car into a Border Patrol agent has become the common-sense path to public safety.
Even elected officials — who are usually terrible at consensus — have one message:
“America, stay home, keep calm, and whatever you do, please don’t try to disarm an armed agent holding a badge.”
— Bipartisan translation: “Be safe. Seriously.”
It’s a weird, hyperbolic world when 100 million Americans can proudly report they avoided a violent confrontation simply by not escalating. But hey, in 2026, moderation is apparently the most patriotic act one can perform.
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