In a move that’s only mildly more coherent than a toddler’s finger painting, President Donald Trump has officially rescinded Canada’s invite to join his brand-new international super-board, the Board of Peace — an organization that, according to Trump’s own social-media manifesto, promises to solve global conflicts faster than you can say “What even is the United Nations?”
Yes, the Board of Peace — complete with the ominous power of life-long chairmanship, a mandatory $1 billion (£740m) fee from members (because peace is pricey, darling), and a charter that doesn’t actually mention New York Times crossword answers, let alone world peace — has quickly become the diplomatic equivalent of a Facebook group that only accepts likes from certain people.
Trump announced Canada’s expulsion in a Truth Social post that was equal parts diplomatic communiqué and passive-aggressive breakup text:
“Please let this Letter serve to represent that the Board of Peace is withdrawing its invitation to you regarding Canada’s joining.”
Translated: “It’s not you, Canada, it’s your refusal to pony up a cool billion. Also, I didn’t have room on the sofa.”
Meanwhile, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney had the audacity to suggest that Canada doesn’t rely on the U.S. “to live.” To which Trump, in a classic counter-argument that belongs in political science textbooks under “Things You Definitely Shouldn’t Say,” reminded Carney that Canada “gets many freebies” from the U.S. — an analysis so nuanced it could only be topped by adding free maple syrup quotas to the 2027 budget.
Observers of this international spectacle might wonder how a Board of Peace with no mention of actual peacekeeping structures or the United Nations even came to be. The answer, as always, lies somewhere between a Twitter thread, a late-night brainstorming session, and someone in the White House saying, “What if we just… did peace our own way?”
As it stands, the Board’s roster includes about 35 countries that have signed on — a list roughly as predictable as a sitcom cast where every character is the quirky neighbor — while the real heavyweights (like China, France, Russia, and the United Kingdom) watch from the sidelines with the same excitement one has for a televised football game in a language you don’t speak.
In related news, global diplomats are reportedly sending each other increasingly loud group texts with subject lines like: “Do we… join or do we laugh?” and “Is this serious or performance art?”
And Canada? Well, Canada continues to thrive, giving impassioned speeches about unity and economic resilience — which, frankly, might be the most Canadian way to win a diplomatic battle we’ve ever seen.
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