“We Have Absolutely Nothing to Do With This,” Say People Actively Describing the Entire Plot
Just when America thought the imaginary operation that absolutely did not happen could not become any more not-happening, Blue Lives Matter returned with a sequel—this time with bigger numbers, bolder denials, and a level of confidence usually reserved for action movie villains explaining their plan after the trap has already been sprung.
The new message begins with a gentle, calming directive to the public:
“STOP what you’re doing and buckle up.”
Which is generally how you open a post when you are definitely not running a nationwide psychological operation.
The Hotline Apocalypse
According to the statement, over 100,000 false reports have flooded ICE tip lines—reports that were intended to help activists “defend” against immigration enforcement but instead resulted in… well… nothing useful at all.
Blue Lives Matter, of course, wants to be very clear:
They had nothing to do with it.
They just heard through the grapevine that more than 100 teams of veterans and off-duty officers were “accidentally mistaken” as ICE—after which protesters allegedly followed these decoys directly away from real operations.
Pure coincidence. Tragic, really.
Experts describe this as the first known case of weaponized hearsay.
Protestors vs. Vibes
The post goes on to insist that Blue Lives Matter had absolutely no involvement whatsoever in ICE protesters showing up at the homes of other ICE protesters to protest ICE, resulting in what scientists are now calling Protester-on-Protester Friendly Fire.
No one is sure how this happened.
No one is sure who organized it.
But somehow, activists managed to protest themselves.
Several were reportedly seen yelling “Shame!” at mirrors.
The Denial-to-Detail Ratio Reaches Critical Mass
The most impressive element of the statement is its structure:
- Denial
- Specific numbers
- Tactical descriptions
- Emoji
- Insults
- Federal agency shoutouts
All carefully arranged in a way that lawyers call “hypothetical” and comedians call “gold.”
The post concludes with Blue Lives Matter reassuring a full lineup of federal agencies—including U.S. Department of Homeland Security, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and Customs and Border Protection—that they’ve “got your six.”
Which, again, should not be interpreted as coordination, support, or acknowledgment of anything actually happening in the real world.
The IQ Line Heard Round the Internet
The closing insult—comparing protesters’ collective intelligence to “a box of french fries”—immediately launched a secondary debate over whether curly fries would have performed better under pressure.
Early polling suggests waffle fries would have organized faster.
Final Thoughts: The Saga Continues
At this point, Operation: Definitely Not Happening has officially become the most detailed non-event in American political history.
Nothing is happening.
No one is involved.
There is no plan.
It’s just remarkably effective.
Across multiple states.
With teams.
And numbers.
And results.
And emojis.
Tune in next time for Part III, where we learn that nothing happened even harder, and somehow worked even better.
Keep Political Party Animals Free
Political Party Animals exists to laugh at politics so we don’t cry about it. Satire, parody, and absurdity are how we call out hypocrisy, nonsense, and the occasional clown show in public life.
If this piece made you laugh, groan, or say “yep, that tracks,” reader support helps keep the satire sharp and independent.
Political Party Animals 