WASHINGTON — In a move critics are calling “confusing,” “unnecessary,” and “deeply on brand,” the Transportation Security Administration appears to have quietly launched a new initiative at Washington-area airports: You Don’t Actually Have a Flight Today™.
The program was unveiled this week at Reagan National Airport after a TSA agent informed a fully ticketed passenger that he did not, in fact, have a flight—until the passenger rudely presented evidence. Upon reviewing the ticket, the agent clarified the situation with the confidence only federal employment can provide:
“That flight is at Dulles. You’re at the wrong airport.”
Observers say the exchange perfectly captured the unique civic experience of flying in Washington, D.C.—a city where power is abstract, accountability is optional, and there are three major airports with wildly different vibes but somehow identical consequences.
A Tale of Two Airports (And One Existential Crisis)
Reagan National (DCA) is where members of Congress fly home to explain nothing to their constituents. Dulles (IAD) is where hope goes to die on a mobile lounge. Both airports serve the same metro area, the same federal workers, and apparently the same ongoing confusion loop that no amount of signage, apps, or basic reading comprehension has been able to fix.
According to TSA sources who asked not to be named because they were busy confiscating a shampoo bottle, the mix-up happens “constantly.”
“We see it every day,” said one agent. “People show up at the wrong airport, the wrong terminal, sometimes the wrong decade. It’s really more of a lifestyle choice at this point.”
Blame the System, Not the Guy With the Ticket
Transportation experts note that the problem stems from an overly complex travel ecosystem in which Reagan National is in Virginia, Dulles is also in Virginia, and Washington, D.C. itself is somehow none of those things.
“It’s not that travelers are stupid,” said one regional planner. “It’s that the infrastructure was designed by committees, revised by subcommittees, and emotionally abandoned in 1987.”
The TSA, for its part, insists it is not responsible for telling people where their flight is, when it departs, or whether reality itself is still intact.
“Our job is security,” a spokesperson said. “Not geography.”
Coming Soon: Federal Solutions That Won’t Help
In response to the incident, insiders say officials are considering several bold reforms, including:
- Renaming the airports to Reagan National (But Not Always) and Dulles International (Good Luck Getting There)
- Adding a fourth Washington-area airport solely for people who meant to go somewhere else
- Replacing all TSA agents with a single kiosk that simply asks, “Are you sure?”
Until then, travelers are advised to triple-check their airport code, airline app, terminal, gate, and general life direction before leaving home.
Because in Washington, even if you have a ticket, a plan, and a clear destination, there’s always a chance the government will look you in the eye and say:
“No. Actually, you don’t.”
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