DAVOS, SWITZERLAND — Standing before a room of billionaire financiers, hedge fund philosophers, and people who own three scarves but no sense of irony, California Gov. Gavin Newsom unveiled what he called “the future of global prosperity.”
That future, according to Newsom, is California.
Witnesses say the announcement was followed by a long, confused silence, broken only by the soft sound of someone Googling “U-Haul outbound rates.”
“Behold the Model”
Newsom reportedly told Davos elites that California represents the ideal economic blueprint: high taxes, high costs, high regulation, and even higher press releases explaining why none of that is a problem.
“California shows what’s possible when government truly believes in you,” Newsom said, gesturing confidently. “Mostly in your wallet.”
He cited Silicon Valley innovation, Hollywood creativity, and an economy so vibrant that residents routinely flee it in search of survival.
Metrics, But Make Them Vibes
Critics quickly pointed out that California currently ranks:
- #1 in poverty (once cost of living is factored in),
- near the top in unemployment stress,
- and dead last in affordability, unless you measure affordability in “hopes and dreams per square foot.”
Newsom waved off the numbers as “outdated” and “lacking narrative alignment.”
“Sure, housing costs are astronomical,” he said, “but have you considered how inclusive the astronomical prices are?”
The California Dream™ (Now Streaming Elsewhere)
Newsom reassured the audience that Californians leaving the state are not “fleeing.”
“They’re exporting the California experience,” he explained. “To Texas. And Florida. And Arizona. And anywhere with a gas price that doesn’t require a co-signer.”
He emphasized that population loss is actually a sign of success.
“If everyone stayed,” he said, “traffic would get worse. And we care deeply about the environment—especially the environment inside gated communities.”
Davos Reaction: Polite Terror
Several Davos attendees were seen nodding thoughtfully while discreetly clutching their Swiss bank accounts. One European finance minister reportedly whispered, “Is this satire?” before realizing it was not.
Another attendee asked whether California’s model includes rolling blackouts as a “feature or a lifestyle.”
Closing Vision
Newsom concluded his remarks by encouraging global leaders to “dream bigger” and “tax harder,” promising that California proves prosperity can exist even when no one can afford to live near it.
“As long as the PowerPoint looks good,” he said, “the model works.”
The World Economic Forum later confirmed that Newsom’s speech will be added to its archives under the category: “Bold Claims, Mixed Results.”
At press time, California officials were reportedly preparing a follow-up presentation titled:
“Why Leaving Is Actually Staying, Emotionally.”
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