DAVOS, SWITZERLAND — Sources close to the alpaca-wool scarf industry confirm that California Gov. Gavin Newsom and billionaire progressive benefactor George Soros have arrived in Davos for what aides insist is not a political strategy summit, but rather “a deeply personal love retreat with policy vibes.”
The two were spotted strolling hand-in-hand through the snow-dusted streets en route to the World Economic Forum, where they reportedly booked adjoining rooms, shared a fondue pot, and registered for the same breakout session titled “Carbon Neutral Intimacy: How to Offset Emotional Emissions.”
“Gavin needs time to recharge,” said a Newsom spokesperson while aggressively lighting a soy candle. “Running the fifth-largest economy in the world is exhausting—especially when your donors expect romance and regulation.”
A Match Made in Davos
According to insiders, Soros gifted Newsom a monogrammed copy of How to Win Friends and Influence Central Banks and whispered sweet nothings like, “You’re polling great with unelected global panels.” Newsom, in return, promised to name a bike lane after Soros somewhere between Palo Alto and the French Laundry.
Witnesses say the couple bonded over mutual interests—disliking voter ID laws, enjoying private jets while denouncing them, and practicing the delicate art of looking concerned while sipping $40 mineral water.
Date Night Highlight: Trump’s Stand-Up Act
The real surprise of the retreat came Thursday night, when Davos attendees packed into the main hall for what organizers billed as a “cultural interlude.” Instead, the curtains parted to reveal Donald Trump, headlining a stand-up comedy set titled “You’re Welcome.”
Trump reportedly opened with, “I wasn’t invited, but I’m here anyway—just like American manufacturing,” drawing groans, gasps, and at least three emergency panel discussions.
Newsom was seen laughing nervously, while Soros stared straight ahead, calculating how many fact-checkers it would take to stop a punchline. Trump’s routine skewered global elites, climate conferences that require private jets, and California’s housing market—prompting Newsom to briefly check Zillow.
“He crushed,” said one stunned European diplomat. “I came for global cooperation and left with crowd work.”
Love, Lanyards, and Late-Stage Capitalism
After the show, Newsom and Soros were overheard debating whether Trump’s set constituted misinformation or simply excellent timing. They ultimately agreed it was “problematic, effective, and annoyingly charismatic.”
As the retreat winds down, Newsom is expected to return to California refreshed, re-centered, and armed with new ideas—like banning comedy that polls too well and launching a state task force on ironic applause.
Soros, meanwhile, departed Davos smiling, reportedly satisfied that the retreat achieved its goals: romance, reaffirmation, and the unsettling realization that even at Davos, Trump still gets the last laugh.
The World Economic Forum declined to comment, but confirmed next year’s agenda will include a new panel: “Stand-Up Populism: Why the Joke Is Always On Us.”
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