NATIONAL HARBOR, MD — In what aides are calling a “bold leap into immersive governance,” Maryland Governor Wes Moore announced Thursday that the long-discussed futuristic Sphere planned for National Harbor will officially be named the Political Party Animals Sphere.
Standing in front of a rendering that appeared to be half disco ball, half cable-news chyron, Moore praised the project as “a nonpartisan space where Marylanders can come together to yell at each other in 8K resolution.”
“This Sphere represents who we are as a state,” Moore said, gesturing toward a mock-up featuring flashing donkey and elephant emojis chasing each other around the dome. “Innovative. Inclusive. Loud. And vaguely sponsored.”
A Sphere for All — Especially Donors
According to early design documents, the Political Party Animals Sphere will function much like the famous Las Vegas Sphere, but with more policy arguments and fewer concerts that everyone agrees on.
Planned features include:
- A 360-degree outrage simulator, allowing visitors to experience being mad about issues they hadn’t heard of five minutes earlier.
- Rotating partisan nights, where Democrats, Republicans, progressives, libertarians, centrists, and “guys who comment ‘both sides’ on Facebook” each get a turn controlling the lighting.
- A live donor leaderboard, projected proudly on the exterior so everyone knows who’s really inside the Sphere.
State officials confirmed the Sphere’s exterior will cycle through slogans like “This Is a Threat to Democracy,” “This Is Perfectly Normal,” and “Wait Until the Midterms.”
Educational Programming (Sort Of)
The Moore administration insists the Sphere will also have a strong civic mission. School field trips will reportedly include interactive exhibits such as:
- “Guess That Executive Order”
- “Is This a Budget Item or a Culture War?”
- “Name That Scandal Before It’s Memory-Holed”
One early proposal includes a hologram explaining Maryland’s tax code, though testers noted most participants immediately walked into traffic afterward.
Bipartisan Reactions Pour In
Reaction from lawmakers was swift and completely predictable.
Progressives praised the Sphere as “a powerful platform for messaging,” while immediately demanding it be repurposed to project climate warnings, land acknowledgments, and interpretive dance.
Conservatives denounced the Sphere as “woke architecture,” then privately asked whether it could host fundraising galas with an open bar and a tasteful eagle graphic.
Meanwhile, independents asked if there would be a quiet room where politics are turned off entirely. Officials responded by laughing for several minutes straight.
Coming Soon to a Waterfront Near You
Construction is expected to begin once lawmakers finish arguing over whether the Sphere should be taxpayer-funded, privately financed, or paid for entirely by a surcharge on lobbyist expense accounts.
Until then, Moore encouraged Marylanders to “dream big.”
“In a divided nation,” he said, “we don’t need fewer arguments. We need bigger screens.”
The Political Party Animals Sphere is tentatively scheduled to open just in time for the next election cycle — because of course it is.
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