In a bold act of spiritual resistance that will undoubtedly rattle the foundations of modern capitalism (or at least mildly inconvenience mall foot traffic), clergy and faith leaders across Minnesota have issued a solemn call: do not shop on Friday.
That’s right. No carts. No credit cards. No impulse candles. Not even one of those weird seasonal pillows that just says “Gather.”
Instead, faith leaders from Minnesota and around the country will gather for a rally and march on January 23, encouraging residents to replace consumerism with contemplation—or at minimum, to postpone buying socks until Saturday.
According to organizers, the goal is to send a moral message by withholding retail participation for a full 24 hours, proving once and for all that the strongest weapon against injustice is… delayed purchasing power.
A Brave Stand Against the Checkout Line
Supporters describe the boycott as a profound act of conscience. Critics describe it as “what most Minnesotans already do when it’s below 10 degrees.”
The plan is simple:
- Wake up.
- Feel spiritually convicted.
- Realize you forgot milk.
- Feel spiritually conflicted.
- Go anyway, but with guilt.
Faith leaders insist this is about values, not convenience. Still, several acknowledged the movement faces challenges, particularly from people who:
- Only have Fridays off
- Just ran out of dog food
- “Were only going in for one thing”
Marching for Meaning (and Very Warm Coats)
The January 23 rally and march will feature speeches, prayers, chants, and the unmistakable sound of boots crunching through icy slush. Organizers say the event is meant to “bear witness,” though it will also bear hand warmers, scarves, and the quiet hope that the march route passes a coffee shop that participants will heroically not enter.
Sources confirm no official guidance has been issued on whether online shopping counts as a violation of faith—or whether adding items to a cart and abandoning it at checkout is considered repentance.
Retail Apocalypse: Delayed Until Further Notice
Economists remain calm, noting that one day of reduced shopping is unlikely to collapse the economy, though it may slightly reduce sales of clearance sweaters and impulse gum.
Meanwhile, Minnesota retailers are bracing for impact by doing what they always do: absolutely nothing, confident that everything will be forgiven by Saturday morning.
Faith leaders say the boycott is symbolic, not punitive—a reminder that people are more than consumers.
Minnesotans responded by nodding thoughtfully… and setting calendar reminders to shop literally the next day.
Because if there’s one thing faith, protest, and commerce can agree on, it’s this:
Nothing says moral conviction like a 24-hour pause followed by a very determined weekend sale.
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