SUBURBAN USA — A local man who has publicly declared that he “stands with ICE more than ever” has once again announced that he now stands with ICE more than ever than the last more than ever, setting what experts are calling a “personal best in unwavering enthusiasm.”
The announcement came shortly after a left-wing protest occurred somewhere on the internet, or after President Trump said something nice about ICE on a podium, or after the man simply refreshed X and felt spiritually attacked by a blue checkmark.
“I didn’t think it was possible,” the man said, standing in front of a ring light he bought exclusively to film rants. “But somehow… I love ICE more than I did the last time I loved ICE more than ever.”
Friends say this marks at least the ninth consecutive ‘more than ever’ since 2018.
A Devotion That Compounds Daily
According to sources close to him (mostly group chats he won’t stop texting), the man’s love for ICE behaves less like an opinion and more like compound interest.
- Riot video goes viral? More than ever.
- Trump praises border enforcement? Even more than ever.
- Someone tweets “abolish ICE”? Astronomical levels of ever.
Economists are reportedly studying whether his enthusiasm violates known laws of exponential growth.
The Shrine (Yes, There’s a Shrine)
At the center of the man’s home is a lovingly curated shrine dedicated to Gregory Bovino, described by the man as “the last adult left in America.”
The shrine includes:
- A framed screenshot of a press briefing
- A Thin Blue Line candle that smells like “law and order”
- A small bell that rings every time someone says “systemic”
- A handwritten note that reads: “If defending borders is wrong, I don’t want to be nuanced.”
Visitors are required to remove their shoes and acknowledge that “the media won’t tell you this” before entering the room.
Radical 2 Percent Keeps Ruining His Calm
Despite repeatedly claiming the left represents “only 2 percent of Americans,” the man admits that this same 2 percent somehow controls:
- Academia
- Hollywood
- Corporations
- Every Target store
- His blood pressure
“It’s amazing, really,” he said. “They’re tiny, powerless, irrelevant—and yet they force me to post twelve times a day.”
Forever More Than Ever
When asked if there was a ceiling to his devotion, the man scoffed.
“No,” he said. “There’s always another riot. Another Trump speech. Another blue-haired person yelling near a courthouse. And every time it happens, I will stand with ICE more than ever than I’ve ever stood before.”
At press time, the man was reportedly preparing a new statement reading:
“I didn’t think it was possible, but after seeing this one TikTok, I now stand with ICE more than ever ever.”
Experts warn the next escalation may require inventing a new phrase entirely.
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