In a shocking revelation that experts say could have been avoided if anyone had thought about anything for five consecutive minutes, the American Red Cross has announced a severe emergency blood shortage, prompting urgent calls for Americans to donate the one thing they still have but never read the instructions for.
The announcement, reported solemnly by ABC News, confirms that hospitals are running low on blood because—brace yourself—people keep needing it. Surgeries, car accidents, childbirth, cancer treatments, and other inconvenient biological realities have once again collided with America’s preferred strategy for public health: hope vibes and late-stage panic.
Officials Shocked to Learn Blood Does Not Come From an App
According to the Red Cross, donations have fallen while demand has surged. Sources say officials briefly explored whether blood could be sourced through a subscription model, a pop-up startup, or a pilot program with a confusing acronym before realizing that actual humans would need to show up and do something mildly uncomfortable for 10 minutes.
“We are facing a critical shortfall,” said one spokesperson, standing in front of a PowerPoint slide labeled ‘This Is Bad’. “If donations don’t increase, hospitals may have to delay procedures.”
Americans responded immediately by asking if the procedures could simply be postponed indefinitely, like infrastructure repairs or student loan payments.
Nation Asks: “Why Didn’t Someone Else Donate?”
The shortage has sparked a wave of concern across social media, where millions of users expressed heartfelt support by posting, “This is terrible,” before continuing to not donate blood.
“I totally would donate,” said one man, “but I once felt lightheaded after skipping breakfast in 2014, so I think I’m medically disqualified forever.”
Others cited scheduling conflicts, fear of needles, or the belief that blood donation should be handled by “the government” or “someone who is more into that kind of thing.”
Red Cross Confirms Blood Is Still Red, Still Necessary
The Red Cross emphasized that there is no synthetic replacement ready to deploy, no emergency reserve hidden under the Pentagon, and no way to DoorDash O-negative from Canada.
Blood, officials confirmed, still has to come from people.
Specifically:
- People who are healthy
- People who are eligible
- People who are not currently tweeting about how broken the system is
Emergency Declared Just In Time for Everyone To Be Busy
The timing of the shortage is particularly unfortunate, as Americans are currently overwhelmed by election discourse, economic anxiety, and arguing online about things that do not require blood transfusions.
Still, the Red Cross remains hopeful.
“If even a small percentage of eligible donors gave blood,” officials said, “this crisis would end quickly.”
At press time, Americans were still waiting to see if someone else would take care of it first.
Political Party Animals will continue monitoring the situation until either donations increase or the nation collectively realizes—again—that systems require participation to function.
Editor’s Note
This article is satire, but the shortage is real. The American Red Cross reports a severe national blood shortage that is impacting hospitals and emergency care.
If you are eligible, please consider donating blood. One donation can save lives.
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