John Myrick
Maryland Republicans unveiled their boldest gubernatorial strategy in decades this week:
Run a guy who appears to be a normal, functioning adult.
In a political ecosystem dominated by outrage cycles, Twitter meltdowns, and press conferences that feel like hostage videos, Republican gubernatorial candidate John Myrick has emerged as something rarely seen in modern politics — a man who speaks in full sentences, answers questions directly, and does not appear to be auditioning for cable news fame.
Party insiders describe the approach as “risky,” “unprecedented,” and “possibly illegal in 2026.”
A Candidate With No Gimmick, No Slogan, and No Criminal Trial
Unlike recent political figures whose platforms are built around viral moments, cultural war flashpoints, or vaguely threatening acronyms, Myrick’s campaign materials focus on alarming concepts like budgets, schools, and public safety.
Reporters initially assumed this was a placeholder site.
“It just says what he wants to do,” said one confused political analyst. “There’s no merch, no enemies list, no references to ‘destroying’ anything. I don’t know how to cover this.”
Political consultants reportedly begged the campaign to add something controversial — a spicy tweet, a poorly worded metaphor, perhaps a feud with a cartoon character — but were told the campaign was “going to stick with governing.”
Several consultants were hospitalized shortly afterward.
Media Struggles to Frame a Candidate Without a Personality Disorder
Local media outlets scrambled to determine which pre-written narrative to assign to Myrick. Early attempts included:
- “Quiet But Dangerous?”
- “The Calm Before the Storm?”
- “Is This What Extremism Looks Like Now?”
After weeks of digging, opposition researchers uncovered the following troubling facts:
- He prefers paper receipts
- He returns shopping carts
- He once used the phrase “let’s look at the numbers” without irony
A prominent activist group released a statement warning that “this kind of stability could normalize expectations for elected officials.”
Voters React With Suspicion, Then Relief
Maryland voters, long conditioned to expect either theatrical chaos or polished incompetence, initially expressed skepticism.
“I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop,” said a Montgomery County voter. “But it turns out the shoe was… a policy memo.”
Others described the experience as “unsettling but comforting,” similar to discovering a government website that actually works.
Democrats Warn of ‘Dangerous Competence’
Democratic operatives have reportedly begun sounding alarms about the threat posed by a candidate who does not self-sabotage.
“This is how it starts,” one strategist warned. “First it’s balanced budgets. Then it’s predictable leadership. Before you know it, people expect results.”
Sources say emergency meetings are underway to determine whether calm governance violates any existing norms.
A Radical Experiment in Boring Leadership
Whether Myrick’s strategy will succeed remains unclear. Maryland is, after all, a state where political survival often depends less on competence than on coalition theatrics.
Still, Republicans appear committed to their experiment.
“Look,” said one party official, “we tried loud. We tried angry. We tried flashy. This time we’re trying ‘guy who doesn’t embarrass us.’”
Political scientists are calling it the Boldest Gamble of the Cycle.
Final Thought
In a political era defined by performance, John Myrick’s greatest liability may be that he refuses to audition.
And for a growing number of Marylanders, that might be the most shocking platform of all.
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